#1
Just the lyrics to a song off my band's up and coming second E.P. being recorded in August, would love some feedback to help me make any alterations it needs, thanks!


Freefaling

So go, do you even know what separates?
The great divide between love and hate
That I just can’t see
So speak, but the words won’t flow that easily
Crashing like an angry sea on rocks
And It’s beating me to sand

But it doesn’t remind me, of anything we had.
And it doesn’t remind me of a better time.

And I scream, do you even hear me call?
As I try to fly on these papers wings but the ground breaks my fall
I’m torn, between these dreams I grasp
And I try to breathe but tonight is my last

So leave, but the life escapes you as you go
There’s a voice that speaks to you alone
But you will not see
So listen, will anyone hear the words I speak?
When fear starts to strangle me
Can truth set me free?

But it doesn’t remind me, of anything we had.
And it doesn’t remind me of a better time.

And I scream, do you even hear me call?
As I try to fly on these papers wings but the ground breaks my fall
I’m torn, between these dreams I grasp
And I try to breathe but tonight is my last
#2
Quote by hawk_kst
Just the lyrics to a song off my band's up and coming second E.P. being recorded in August, would love some feedback to help me make any alterations it needs, thanks!


Freefaling

So go, do you even know what separates?
The great divide between love and hate
That I just can’t see
So speak, but the words won’t flow that easily
Crashing like an angry sea on rocks
And It’s beating me to sand
This is great. I feel like some personification should be given to the rocks, but it might just not be practical when sung. The word "hapless" is coming to mind.
But it doesn’t remind me, of anything we had.
And it doesn’t remind me of a better time.
I noticed you like Audioslave. Don't be tempted to sing this like "Doesn't Remind Me," hah.

And I scream, do you even hear me call?
As I try to fly on these papers wings but the ground breaks my fall
I’m torn, between these dreams I grasp
And I try to breathe but tonight is my last Last what? I know it's insinuated that it's "breath," but it's awkward nonetheless. I suggest a rewrite of this line.

So leave, but the life escapes you as you go
There’s a voice that speaks to you alone
But you will not see
So listen, will anyone hear the words I speak?
When fear starts to strangle me
Can truth set me free?

But it doesn’t remind me, of anything we had.
And it doesn’t remind me of a better time.

And I scream, do you even hear me call?
As I try to fly on these papers wings but the ground breaks my fall
I’m torn, between these dreams I grasp
And I try to breathe but tonight is my last


Very good job. It's conversational enough to be sung. That's one of the things that's overlooked often.
Last edited by Chaingarden at Jun 1, 2010,