#1
breath in my lungs, they collapse
and i exhale what could be
described as a paring knife
skinning my wind pipes

like fake cigarette smoke its hung
as delicate as a 'fuck you' beginning
unhinged and hissing, door frame
buckled like my rib cage

the air twists and turns into
a claustrophobic 'who are you'
my eyes roll back with my tongue
and like dime store gum balls

they rest as unsaid words in my mouth
aching, as i bite down into
the seemingly unbreakable surface
releasing a taste churning

of blood and sweet synchronicity
the copper taste and copper hue
world flashing as a old slapstick movie
it all falls back together

and i breath.
i think
this one is for you.
Last edited by Ebshabutiee at Jun 2, 2010,
#2
The only real complaint I have is there are far too many "like"s in this piece. Everything is "like" something else, and while similes are great when used well, this piece is basically just one simile ran on top of the next, which makes it a bit clunky to read. However, I did really like what you were saying, and (too many "like"s and some clunky cliched imagery aside) how you said it.

I've got a new piece if you're interested: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320283