#1
Hey again! so i wrote some lyrics, I personally think they're alright, but I'd like for you to crit it. It'd be nice. so yea, check it out. Thanks!


The Inner Atributes

Leaving the crisis behind
With nothing but a sigh and thought;
The curves of skin, greater than yours
And his smile, brighter than yours.

Though I still think of you
Just the most awkward of you.

If i had the chance, I would
I would hold you close, in the warm
Have the flesh of yours in mine
Forever value the echoing cries.

Leave this with me, before my words of goodbye.

Just this one time I shall be right
So dominate me, take me lips to bite
I'll take you to me with all mind's might
Thrill eachother tonight.

I will continue on thinking of you
Just the most awkward of you

If I had the chance, I would
I would hold you close, in the warm
Have the flesh of yours in mine
Forever value the echoing cries.

Leave this with me, before our words of goodbye
The glorification of our affection
With insignificant signs of depression
Our bind shall forever be held in its unique, untamed kind.

I will always think of you
Just the most awkward of you
Never leave me behind
And for the last time, let your lips be mine.
Last edited by Maddita at Jun 2, 2010,
#3
wow those are some amazing lyrics!
i wish i could hear u sing them though
i think that would be even better!!!
#5
very well done... interesting and that's always cool...

Fav part here...

"Just this one time I shall be right
So dominate me, take me lips to bite
I'll take you to me with all mind's might
Thrill eachother tonight"


What style of music are you aiming for with these lyrics... I have my own thought's on what direction would be cool, but I was wondering what your idea behind it was.
#6
Thank you (: I'm officially becoming more and more proud of this :P lol.

Well i wanted it to be some slow rocky kinda thing with a nice solo in it..but then I rethought it, and it'd be cool as a ballady piano piece. I'm working on it atm, trying to finish it all up. Though I'm having a slightly hard time creating a vocal line. I'll get to it. Uhmmm. I was thinking of a low E-chord kinda thing [if you know anything abt pianos ], with a piano solo in it or something. Idk.

Your thoughts?

#7
Very cool.... Yeah, I was thinking a slow rock vibe... well, I could have even seen it coming off nicely as a metal ballad - but then again, I love that sort of stuff. The piano is definitely a good touch/idea, even to be used in it as a rock piece. And I love the low E-chord idea; good choice. Good stuff
#8
Ahh, thank you very much!! (: nice thoughts on the metal ballad. It could prolly/maybe work as that. I'll try out different ideas (: And the piano? I think it's a quite nice touch as well, so thanks (: ..again.
#9
This was good shit. When you mentioned how it could be slow in some above post...thats when the whole thing really hit me. i could hear it, I could just kind of....idk lol, understand it. Maybe thats me being silly, trying to connect with the peice even more than it did by itself. Idk.

Good stuff man, keep it up!! If you get a moment, id appreciate a c4c. Thanks much!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#10
Thanks (: appriciate it, a lot. Didn't think anyone would really like it, haha.

And ofc, C4C.
#11
I really like what you did with these lyrics. You took a topic that is somewhat conventional and wrote your stanzas in a very unique way. For instance, the repetition of "I will always think of you/Just the most awkward of you" really works well and also demonstrates that unconventionality of the words.

Personally, I think what I like so much about this piece is that it gets more emotionally powerful as the song progresses. Those last three verses really hit me hard. What's funny is that, before reading the replies, I envisioned this as a piano-driven piece, and then saw that's exactly what you had in mind when I read your previous replies. I hope you post the full song with instrumentation when it is finished. Great job, and thanks for the crit on my song!
#12
have to say I agree with everything said here. Reads as a solid piece. Word play flows well, and I get an idea of what you are writing about.

Very good job!
INFLUENCES
Jason Mraz, The White Stripes (Jack White), Nirvana, The Beatles, The Black Keys
Please help make me better! Critique my work:
Dream it Over, Again
#15
I am a big fan of this! I would love to hear it with music. Keep up the good work
The times are changing
#16
Let me preface this by saying I have no credibility! I get the idea, but the execution leaves me a little bewildered. Some phrases used out of context wouldn't make much sense, but as whole it comes together. Poetic license is a good thing lol. I'd suppose just focus on imagining your ideas a bit more, and then putting them to words would be the best advice I could give. As it stands, though, I'm imagining this as kind of lounge song and it's awesome.
#18
Lyrics are great. The writing is good. Idea is good.

I have to say though, at first, I thought it was going to be a slow rock-like song(like you said) and I thought, "This song needs a chorus!" and then later on, I read and found it was a Piano piece. Works perfectly for that.

Keep it comeing!
..I was watching my death.
#21
ok, maybe do most of the song with accoustic guitar, and some light drums... maybe even clean electric if you think it necessary???? but build it up and bring in the piano at the bridge, and throw in the piano solo then.... just an idea... lol
#22
I'll try that out, see how it sounds.. tho atm i'm just working on some piano. it's sounding alright I'd say...I guess. What do you think abt the lyrics tho, they alright? or total worthless bullcrap (:
#23
The piece overall is great. There were only a couple spots I didn't like such as:

I'll take you to me with all mind's might

I'm not sure I understand it and it's awkward to say. Speaking of awkward:

I will continue on thinking of you
Just the most awkward of you


This reminded me of Sabbath's War Pigs when Ozzy rhymes masses with.. well.. masses :P