iro-bot31
Jazz Hands
Join date: Jun 2009
503 IQ
#1
First draft of the song I'm probably going to use for the 30 day song challenge. I cranked this one out rather quickly, so it probably needs a lot of improvement. Any and all criticism or suggestions will be appreciated and reciprocated.

The instrumentation will probably be a blend of metal and modern rock, probably with some progressive metal influences thrown in, I'm not entirely sure yet. Anyway, here are the lyrics. Enjoy!


The world will end not with a bang, but instead with a whimper
But turning on the heat will not prevent the winter
Rejoice, repent, it matters not, the blight has come to stay
The pen may well defeat the sword, but for the gun can it say the same?

Sit down by the fire, son, I’ll tell you of my pain
Gaze into the embers as I remember when the world went down in flames

Chorus
Captain, system failure, Pandora’s Box is loose
Nothing we can say will stop this, there’s nothing we can do
Prepare for emergency landing, strap down, sit tight
Toppled from Fickle Fortune’s wheel as dawn rolls into night

No knife, no bomb, no enemy, wrought havoc through the night
Innocent, innocuous, still deadly in its own right
No crystallizing moment where everything went wrong
The end comes, not with sorrow, but instead with laughter and song

Move closer to the fire, boy, I’ll continue to explain
Gaze into the embers as I remember when the earth went down in flames

Chorus

Can someone save us, save us from ourselves
Can someone save me, from this Sisyphian hell
Can someone save us, consumed by terror and remorse
Can someone save me, before the poison runs its course

Keep kindling the fire, lad, as all thought flees my brain
Gaze into the embers, I cannot remember when the earth went down in flames

Chorus
Last edited by iro-bot31 at Jun 2, 2010,
Maddita
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2010
188 IQ
#2
Ouch. the last line in this whole thing killed me (in a good way). That was pretty awesome. I gotta say I'm not exactly too crazy abt the whole "boy sit down by the fire" thing. It's a good idea in a way, but I'm personally not so crazy abt it. Hmm. though for the type of music you were describing, that should be for these lyrics, then maybe it's all good :P i loved the last chorus, and the last line. The last line really hit me. idk why. it's just nice..powerful. But for that to be powerful, i guess you need the boy by the fire thing. hmmm.

Anyways, enough blabber :P It's good. Strong lyrics, nice wording, and not cliché in my opinion. In the first verse, I don't think you should put the word "bang," maybe try n replace that. And i really like the line: "But turning on the heat will not prevent the winter."
When you say "The pen may well defeat the sword, but for the gun can it say the same?" I like the first part, "the pen may well deafeat the sword," it's deep in a way. I jsut don't like the second part of the sentence. But ofc, that's totally up to you (:

Hope I could help in some way (:

crit? would be great (:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320793
arnold is cool
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2006
12 IQ
#3
dude digging the lyrics. any chance I could use this with my band? try make an alterative to yours?
iro-bot31
Jazz Hands
Join date: Jun 2009
503 IQ
#4
@ Maddita: Thanks for the advice. I'm still trying to find a better way to phrase that last line of the first verse, I wasn't too crazy about it either. I'm probably gonna keep the "bang" part of the first verse, just because it references a poem by T.S. Eliot where the final lines are "This is the way the world ends/ Not with a bang but a whimper." Everything else you said I am working on fixing, and your crit was very helpful.

@Arnold is cool: Feel free to use the lyrics, but when your band gets famous give me a writing credit and some tickets please.

Anyone else who sees this, I'm willing to do C4C. Just give me your song link.
cultfiction
Registered User
Join date: May 2010
120 IQ
#6
This is cool song, very interesting lyrics... In my opinion, I could definitely see this working as a progressive metal kind of piece - I think it would be very nice in that format. I could envision it fairly heavy, but not extremly up-tempo, kind of in the mid-tempo range. I'm not sure what you had in mind in writing it, but that is the feel i got while reading. Love the story telling feel to it as well and clever choice of lyrics - my favorite lines below:

"No crystallizing moment where everything went wrong
The end comes, not with sorrow, but instead with laughter and song"
brycey464
Registered User
Join date: Apr 2009
90 IQ
#9
they are very good.... no doubting that.... i love the two verses... i'm not a huge fan of the chorus however. it seems lacking, like it doesn't really add anything to what you're trying to say.... i think that's what it is anyways.... all in all.... awesome song, especially written at short notice