#3
Quote by hippieboy444
This could be longer and expanded upon, but it's definitely not bad being so short.


Thanks. I'm really pretty set on keeping it brief. I actually want to make it shorter if possible; it's very much a work in progress. I'd actually like as much criticism as possible with it. I wanted it to be a vignette, and the moment concerned is supposed to be extremely short, swift, and shocking to the narrator. I intentionally made it pretty plain, too. I really don't want any of the bluntness of the event to be lost in opaque, esoteric language.

If you guys have suggestions about how to do those things, I'd very much like to hear.