#1
His path was so bright but this thing stole the light
This sickness, this cancer, this disease; set him free
His soul's on fire; cant escape the heat, the hurt, the hate
Turned a blind eye to fate; mistake, it prevails everyday
Mama said no amount of rain can extinguish those flames
They burn away the only bridge, your left with no other way
Well when you live this lie, not even the strongest survive
Wanted it, didn't need it; needed it, did'nt want it
Thats how things work in this dirty game; no fame
No winner's circle just a loser's chair, its the end of game
Outrun this bullet train, maybe once, maybe twice,
But dont dare try for number three; you may survive today
But I know that all who pass must eventually pay that fee
Last edited by MuDvAyNe412 at Jun 2, 2010,
#2
Thats awesome.
I can relate to this, I've struggled with addictions to heroin and other hard-end drugs the last 4 or so years and this peice really lays it out. Extremely well worded.
Where'd the inspiration for this come from?
Do you have music to acompany or is this just some writing?
Much props to you.
#3
This was actually pretty nice. Especially the last line, it's very strong compared to the context above it. Like..it's stating the obvious of the poem, but in a cooler way. Which I like. And like above, I can also relate to some of this. Not as strongly, but yea I've had my share of crap too.

The first sentence you write "His path was so bright but this thing stole the light," I think you should replace "this thing" with something else that doesn't emply that this addiction of w/e is an item of itself. I think if you changed it, it might sound slightly more poetic (:

Then the part where you wrote "Wanted it, didn't need it; needed it, did'nt want it" well, i get what you're trying to expose there, but I think you should maybe change it, so you're still saying that, but in another way.

Other than that, very nice job! Keep up the work.

Hope i helped (:

crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320793
Last edited by Maddita at Jun 3, 2010,
#4
I agree with Maddita a bit about the "Wanted it..." line. It's a great line, but if you have music to it, it seems like it's gonna be a struggle to fit in.

Brilliant stuff though dude.
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#5
dude i felt this when i first read it i wouldnt really change much, except where FactsareFiction suggested changing thing, mayb use
a stronger more descriptive word that is synonomous (spelling?) with how it makes you feel
mayb 'his path so bright but this POISON sucked away the light'
thats just what i thought of
otherwise i woldnt really change anything, i definitely liked the line about 'wanted it didnt need it changed to needed it didnt want it'

i dunno how to put a link to mine in here but its called

'When the [Happyiness] is All Gone'
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