#1
She's the girl who knows more death than love
He's the boy she lost to clouds above

She's the girl who saw him in her dreams
He's the boy who lived by simpler means

She's the girl who wanted romance
He's the boy who put her in a trance

She's the girl who made him weak
He's the boy who was labbeled a freak

She's the girl who didnt understand
He's the boy who had It all planned

She's the girl who watched in dispear
He's the boy who just didn't care

She's the girl whos heart know bleeds
He's the boy who no longer breathes

Happy for crit4crit

A quick piece I wrote up after seeing a picture on this blog;
www.nothingasitseems.tumblr.com
The picture is on the 2nd or so page for those interested.
Cheers.
Last edited by FactsareFiction at Jun 3, 2010,
#2
this is acceptable if it's your first piece of writing.
may i ask how old you are?

if you hadn't joined this month.
or this year for that matter,
i'd bash the over repetition.

but as it is,
i think i'll just ask you to add more than just
"she's the girl..."
"he's the boy..."
stuff.


second:
i fail to see what picture you are talking about.

it's almost 4 in the morning and i chose and easy critique before going to bed,
just so i can feel accomplished :P

i most certainly do not feel that here, with my n00b-bashing and whatnot, though


however,
i really do think you should cut out about 70-80% of the "she's that, he's the" stuff.
and elaborate a little bit.

even changing it from boy to guy, or something, wouldn't make this as dreadful.

i always try to give a number grade with my critiques.
sorry, but i give this about a 3/10.
2 if you weren't new here.


EDIT:
also, i like vagueness.
most of my stuff is very vague.
this is far too unclear, though.

how did this dude die?
why did she love him?
who was he?
who is she?


just some stuff to help you work.
Last edited by TonyRandall at Jun 3, 2010,
#3
it has simple yet catchy rhyme and easy to follow flow but i agree it is a bit repetitive,
as an entire song itself personally i think is weak, but as a verse to build on and as inspiration for the full song i think its a good start especialy as your first

mayb make a refrain that goes into some detail and brings a fullness to the picture like the other crit said

pls people check my first out, i dunno how to post link, its called,
When the [Happyiness] is All Gone
some swell guys i met on UG:

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