#1
This is a metal song... Very heavy... Not completely finished but a work in progress

Fortunate Soldiers:

-- Verse 1 --
Once championed in a time of war
The forgotten in times of peace
Cast aside for other's freeedom
Exiled to self like caged disease

Bearing tragedies of independence
Images brand his mind in solitaire
Calamities that make him legend
Left undiscovered behind his stare

-- Chorus --
Unfortunate soldier...
Trapped inside of the shell he was given
He travel's down this lonely road alone
Unfortunate soldier...
Trapped somewhere between hell and heaven
He's not sure which way he's gonna go
Unforturnate soldier...

-- Verse 2 --
Once confined within desperation
Now he surrenders to the cries
Of all the fortunate soliders
The ones who sacrificed their lives

With every prayer that's left unanswered
The darkness consumes his fading light
Still he's searching for forgiveness
For ever life stolen in his sights

-- Chorus --
Unfortunate soldier...
Trapped inside of the shell he was given
He travel's down this lonely road alone
Unfortunate soldier...
Trapped somewhere between hell and heaven
He's not sure which way he's gonna go
Unforturnate soldier...

>> extended heavy guitar arrangement <<

-- Chorus (altered) --
Unfortunate Soldier...
Serving time here in hell
For the fortunate one's
Unfortunate Soldier...
Awaiting the time to fall
And he's a fortunate one
Unfortunate Soldier...
Unfortunate Soldier...
#2
I quite like this song. The first verse is good, not as strong as the second IMO, but still well-written. Something about the line "Images brand his mind in solitaire" irks me, if I were you I might play with the word choice a bit but if not it's not a major problem.

The second verse is really powerful. "With every prayer that's left unanswered/ The darkness consumes his fading light/ Still he's searching for forgiveness/ For every life stolen in his sights" is probably my favorite part of your lyrics. The way I'm imagining it being sung makes the bolded words seem extraneous, throwing off the rhythm of the melody, but you probably have a meter in mind where those words are necessary.


When I first saw the chorus, I was hoping the song would end with an altered version of those lines, and that was exactly what you did. Very well done, and I definitely could see this as a metal song.

Could you critique my piece as well? Down in Flames
#3
thanks for the comments... yeah, i'm gonna work on this one some more... I wrote it pretty quickly - that is the first draft. And as you said, usually when I re-write i end up removing 'extraneous words', i just put them in the first draft to see if they are needed but give myself a little wiggle room. thanks again