#1
my friends and i have adventures that all
go in one facebook album, including
the time i fell down a manhole near
eden park and found an old sweater
that had mushrooms growing it,
i gave it to my ex last winter
in 2009, or maybe this year
i don't recall but i missed that sweater a lot
and i realized how much i miss
not having to deal with people
who throw garbage on freeway medians
and throw eggs at my fu.cked car
driving and listening to braid at night.
people are fu.cked. i am fu.cked.
each day has made me buy a tent.
i officially live anywhere
or everywhere or places that seem
sublime in a living room or
behind closed doors and windowpanes

i woke up in a tent today
the morning was chilly and wet
against my skin and skull
there was no one in the tent with me
and the tent was glowing like the plastic
slides at an elementary school in ohio
between two fields and a two lane road
with yellow buses in the paved asphalt
parking lot and i missed every person
i went on adventures with from
pine foresting in ohio
to focusing high hopes on
teenage vaginas in indiana
or climbing angel's landing
in utah. this morning is
the first in a long time of
feeling fu.cked.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jun 3, 2010,
#2
just a few things.

in my opinion, there were a few awkward phrasings that i think could use some restructuring. for example:

"i officially live anywhere
or everywhere or places that seem
sublime in a living room or
behind closed doors and windowpanes"

i'm assuming here that you're listing the places you could live, i.e. places that seem sublime, in a living room, or behind closed doors and windowpanes. or you could be saying that you live in places that seem sublime in a living room, all as one thought. either way, i'm confused as to how to read that. not sure how you fix that since you've decided to not punctuate the poem, but i figured i'd point it out.

also, i tripped over the quick repetition of 'car' in the first stanza. it didn't read pretty for me. however, i really liked the repetition of 'tent'. that one worked. that being said, this is all probably personal preference but i wanted to draw your attention to it anyway.

finally, i'm not sure of "poetry laws" or anything like that since i'm not very well-versed in the technical side of poetry, but you used the past tense the entire poem until the last sentence. i'd suggest separating that from the second stanza as its own stanza to accentuate that shift. that, or change the "is" to a "was" for consistency's sake.

overall, this felt well thought-out and very concise in terms of your imagery and themes. also, i thought you did a great job in the second stanza. i could really feel the urgency in the voice. well done.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Jun 3, 2010,
#4
I dislike the mention of facebook, just because it doesn't set up a genuine tone for what is to come. The rest of this reads a bit choppy but as for content, it's quite glorious my friend. This reminds me a bit of rushmore's older stuff.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
maybe you just don't think smoothly.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
slip n slides, shaven legs, james bond... smooth can be fun
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja