#1
It pains me when I think of you
And everything we could have been.
I needed you...I still do...
At least that's the way it's planted in my head.

I think I could forget you.
Probably...
Just give it a year or two.
But I could never live it down
It's okay if I'm losing ground;
My destination has slipped away.

I'd rather see you with him,
Than not see you at all.
It's painful...yes, like needles in my hand.
But a punctured hand is better than an empty space where I used to keep your face.

I'm scared that I'm forgetting you.
Honestly...
It's been but a week or two.
My biggest fear is coming true,
I don't think I can make it through
A lifetime that will make me lose my memory...
Of you.

I love you!
I love you.
I've given all I have to you.
No one else I could love true.
I love you...
Gibson Les Paul Studio/Fender Telecaster/Fender Stratocaster -> MXR Phase 90 ->Vox V847 Wah -> Boss Ds-1 -> Ibanez Ts-9 -> Electro Harmonix Memory Boy ->
Jet City 20



Rome wasn't built in just a day.

#2
I enjoyed the 2nd and 4th stanzas the most, they were the best put together and had the best wording. The other stanzas felt cliche and rushed. The last stanza all together needs to be scrapped and redone, I just didnt like it for some reason. i thought it ruined what you were doing in the 3rd stanza completely.

Other than not liking the last stanza, I felt this was a solid attempt at writing a love song. The only other complaint i have is that you seem to make the jump from being in pain over losing this girl to screaming I love you. If the rest of the song had been jumpy and irrational, that last stanza would have been perfect. but the song wasnt like that, so it doesnt work.

Overall, its a good song. Keep working at it bro. If you get a moment, a crit 4 crit would be appreciated greatly. link is in the sig. Thanks!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
Thanks a bunch for the critique. Now that you say it, the first and third stanzas (the verses) do need work. As for the ending...this song is coming straight from the heart. I wasn't trying to write any sort of song, just an honest one. But it does need cleaning up. Thanks again.
Gibson Les Paul Studio/Fender Telecaster/Fender Stratocaster -> MXR Phase 90 ->Vox V847 Wah -> Boss Ds-1 -> Ibanez Ts-9 -> Electro Harmonix Memory Boy ->
Jet City 20



Rome wasn't built in just a day.

#4
Very nice! I love (as others stated) the 2/4 stanza's. I wouldn't change the others too much, just maybe adjust the wordplay a little.
INFLUENCES
Jason Mraz, The White Stripes (Jack White), Nirvana, The Beatles, The Black Keys
Please help make me better! Critique my work:
Dream it Over, Again