#1
Cold to the touch
Hastily, placed
The lock backwards on the locker
Lean against it and look up
And confabulate the correct combination
Recollect yourself.

And you reach
Solipsistically to her
Teeming – you could say
With undesirables;
Deeply afflicted
Who are you, To grab her hand?
And it’s going swimmingly
Like a latent plume of charges
Chemicals jumping across the myelin
Like anyone off bridges
Recollect yourself.

Hologram to the backdoor
To connect itself to the projector
Be lamenting as if
A bullet point is past
The point and gliding
Grab her shoulder
And through gritting teeth
Ask her for something
To make the relations
More of a constant
Than a variable

Recollecting herself

She lauds to the loud
Of the screen door
On the back of the house
As it holistically melts
You falling over shouting
This may be
Aversion but
“I’d enjoy a cup of coffee one day”
And like harmonic resonance
You go wiry to
The car door shutting
And her driving away

The smell of the train station
Hits you remembering
Her stepping down and saying
She missed you, you reply
Who could miss anyone?
You can only miss yourself
And she sighs
Regarding your thin skin
And thin thoughts
Everything is nothing to you

And the locker would be
A better suited coffin
Buried for the grave
Lucidly playing
Itself in a dirt embankment
Saying this is all there is
An instant where
No forgotten combination is needed
As Binary perpetuates
And stops short as
There is no more numbers
To play with the fact that
It’s all going on together
And it’s all turning off at once

Your back is cold still
And you are as still as ever
Letting the lock fall off
Cleaning wounds with
Her words of antiseptic
A single note in this
Dim lit husk
Reading, I thought I loved you but…
this one is for you.
#2
The thing about this is that its just taken too long to get its message across. A key reason is lot of the vocabulary here alienates the reader, there's a lot of jargon here, like a cool, metal padlock it comes across unemotional - this makes it really hard to keep the reader interested and more importantly involved. I was put off by some of the word use.

I just couldn't get into this but the last stanza was really great. Summed up the whole piece, had all the feel, the tone, the imagery and the execution was just perfect. I believe you could have just had that stanza and still delivered the message you wanted to.

'A single note in this
Dim lit husk
Reading, I thought I loved you but…'

Also it's a real shame no one commented on this piece till now.
#3
eh i'm used to it, out of like the last 6 or 7 pieces i've posted here i think 3 of them have zero comments. I can understand how the choice of words can make this piece unattractive, but i can't see this piece any other way. It was meant to be wordy, thanks for the input though.
this one is for you.