#1
This is a poem I've been working on for a while. It's not finished though. I'm working on writing a story and thinking of working this into it in some form. Any feedback is appreciated.


Landscape of a Nightmare

Complete and utter darkness
So serene and so surreal
All senses are deprived
But then I start to feel

Cold sweat mixed with hot blood
Running down my face
Still shrouded in the darkness
And now I start to taste

Try to force my eyes to open
Feels like they’re stapled closed
Listen to the nothingness
As tears roll down my nose

In this Landscape of my Nightmare
Nothing else is clear
But pain and dread and sorrow
And overwhelming fear

I beg and plead for mercy
Knowing I won’t be heard
My tongue seems to be missing
And I can’t utter a single word

It occurs to me to lift my hands
But trying causes pain
Whatever is causing all of this
Is driving me insane

I realize this is the point
This torture has a purpose
Not a trick of smoke and mirrors
Or a scratch just on the surface

It takes intent to go this far
A deeply seeded hate
To deafen, blind and mute someone
And leave them to their fate

What horrible visage awaits me
What monster waiting to return
How will I escape this
As every muscle begins to burn

A faint sound grabs my attention
And starts to grow to fill the room
My eyes begin to open
But only show my doom

This cell casts a red glow
As my eyes adjust to the light
I don’t want to believe them
As they assault me with this sight

A dozen other bodies
And dark stains on the walls
A drain placed in the ceiling
Where blood continuously falls

None of them are stirring
As maggots feast on their flesh
Some are burnt, others dismembered
And some strained through wire mesh

The stench of death fills my nostrils
I have to choke back the bile
All the other bodies share a similarity
A perverse, toothless smile

A smile only by appearance though
The sight makes me convulse again
Whatever has done this to them
There is no way it could be human

A previously unknown presence
Makes itself known to me
I feel icy cold eyes lock on
Stabbing me with their misery

The only way to describe this feeling
Is pure evil manifest
My heart begins to race
And I fear it may jump from my chest

I almost will it to be
I consider it a much better end
Than continuing on
With my malevolent friend

I can feel the hatred pouring
Into every fiber of my being
I open my mouth
But I have no breath left to scream

Please make this quick
And allow this night to expire
So I can wake up in bed
Rather than bleed here and perspire

The glow of red eyes burns through
The damp red light of my prison
They mesmerize me
As I start to lose my vision

I am slipping back into unconsciousness
And this does not bother me now
I don’t want to be awake for what’s to come
I don’t want to have to know

I awaken to find
I have not snapped out of it
I am still trapped in this cell
This awful, grotesque death-pit

How can this be
I should have woken up
Has my sense of reality
Completely broken up

Did the lines of sanity finally snap
And send me into the abyss
Leaving me stranded and desperate
I would rather die than endure this

I look down to survey the damage and find
My arms and legs have been removed
But I am still alive
And I have come unglued

The pain is unbearable
I cannot take it anymore
Being left to sit and wonder
What else might be in store

What other horrors
Will I be made to live through
What means of escape
Could I possibly come to

I thought this was a nightmare
But now I cannot tell
The longer I spend trapped like this
I fear I am in hell

I try to think of what I did
To possibly bring this about
Every instinct within me
Tells me to cry out

But just as quickly
That thought fades from my mind
As my captor appears
And makes me pray to go blind

I could never imagine
An uglier face
Although, it fits right in
With the rest of this place

Scarred and deformed
In the places I can see;
Cold, careless eyes
Burning a hole right through me
#2
Pretty intense work, very brutal imagery, and that appears to work really well. I liked how it told a progresssive story, ik thats what you were going for but i think thats an underated quality of a peice. Anyway, the rhyming was good, only seemed choppy at points but thats to be expected with a poem of this length, nothings perfect.

The only line that really bugged me was "I listen to the nothingness". I feel like thats been done a million and one times and it kinda ruined the peice for a couple stanzas for me, though you certaintly recovered from that mishap.

Anyway, good work overall, keep it up bro. If you get a chance, id appreciate a crit for crit. link is in the sig. thanks!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
Thank you for the input. I always appreciate it when other people give me their honest opinion on a piece. I may consider revising it before it is complete.