#1
sometimes i write about the confusions i have about myself


i have written about different people
used different phrases stuck in my head
thrown in words that have certain meanings to me
like 'purple', which could mean many different things
and i hope they mean some of those things to you, but...


sometimes i am truly just an adolescent girl
laying in bed by myself
without a single satisfying feeling to cling to
whether it be the touch that i crave
or the love that i feign
so i spew out some words and spit and stare and pray that someone out there has waggled their little eyelashes and found it and read it and said something or other so i can sit and feel accomplished for some little piece of bullshit i happened to scurry on out and this
SATISFACTION
is always spurred
from
the


void


of
something
else
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it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
This doesn't need critiquing. It's real, and it's you. Most importantly, it rings true on a frightening level. The more I read this, the more it shakes me with how close it hits to home. Like the lightning that just made my car alarm go off in my driveway. (true story)


So a bitter thanks for writing this from me. Enjoyed.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
That was reeeeaaalllllyyy good. Not to sound cliche, but that genuinely came from the heart. Incredibly emotional in a dark, yet powerful way. I strangely feel the urge to make the lyrics/poem make the form of a gun. That would be awesome haha. Good work.


EDIT (after reading a second time):

-I got goosebumps at "satisfaction is always spurred." Mad props for that.

-Only thing i didn't like is you use of the word "little." As a whole, the lyrics gave a sense of an inner feeling you have, yet when you said "little eyelashes" and "little piece of bullshit," I got a felt of snobby vibe. I don't know if that was your intention, but I don't think that attitude fit the rest of the lyrics. "Little eyelashes," especially. It gave that contrast between the cute, bright stuff with your feeling of darkness/void, but I just don't like that specific word choice.

Hope my crit helps.
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My cover of Manchester Orchestra's "I Can Feel Your Pain"
http://www.mediafire.com/?jfvt54j4mkiiq99
Last edited by gatechballer at Jun 6, 2010,
#4
I'm with Ganoosh, this rang uncomfortably true for me. I promise to critique your next one but I think it's best for this to just stand on its own, just the way it is.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
thank you, I get tired and cynical, surprised I'm not a wrinkly old thing by now...
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
To be perfectly honest, I didn't like this at all. There were bits that rang true... but this read like a diary entry to me... nothing more. It lacked the spunk that I think really defines your writing. Normally you are cynical to a T... but the redeeming quality is the spunk, the quirkyness, and the nonchalant strength that accompanies the innocent voice. This was lacking that. I know that writing something different is good... but for me, this stepped away from the strengths of your voice and imagination. This fell somewhere between blog and poetry... where it seemed to lack heart. It was simply words on a page... without enough emotive parallax or calculated calm to strike any fancy.

I don't doubt this is what you needed to write... and for that, I can not be negative... but on a simple "critique this" front... I thought it was lacking.

If you could just read/bump Modernized in my sig... I'd be appreciative.
#7
well to be honest your later stuff hasnt hit me all that much but i think i realized during this that its just that im letting the presentation hurt it. what i mean is theres lots of beauty in your thoughts-- thats undeniable. but theres not as much (note: not as much as in theres definately some) in the words sonically or visually. its something you have to give more than a read to. and i realized i think i would like this way more if it were handwritten. or done as a visual project in photoshop or something where you're not limited to letting straight rigid caps lock to emphasize a word. its a little ugly here... but i can detatch it and picture it in my head and it comes alive. so i guess what im sayin is its flat in this form. but its not necessarily flat... i want to see it in a medium that loans itself to what you are doing. fun to read nonetheless.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me