This is a prose piece I wrote shortly after the relationship prior to my wife ended. If you saw my other post, you can probably get a sense that most of my writings are fairly lengthy. I started writing when I was about 18 and for a while, it was my only real outlet. Since I started playing guitar, my writing has slowed down some but I still get inspired every once in a while.

I hope you enjoy this one.

Reflections of Rejection

What do you see
When you look
In the mirror?
I don’t see myself.
At least not the way
Everyone else sees me.
It’s been so engrained
Into my psyche
That I am nothing.
I am worthless.
I am physically unacceptable.
So, what happens when
I see someone I like?
I shoot MYSELF down
Before they have a chance to.
I tell myself
They won’t like you anyway,
So there’s no point even trying.
And I don’t.
I always wait
For them to make
The first move
And in the end,
I’m still alone.
It’s my own fault,
But it still hurts.
I cause my own pain,
But I won’t do anything
To try and stop it.
I just pretend that
Everything’s alright.
I put on
A fake smile.
I swallow my pride.
I push down
The shame I feel.
Any time I go out
In public,
I can’t help but assume
When I see people talking
And laughing
That they are
Talking and laughing about me.
I know it’s most likely
Nothing to do with me,
But I always think it anyway.
I can’t relax,
Even for a moment.
I keep my walls up
At all times,
At all costs.
I’m so afraid to be hurt,
That I can’t let anyone
Get to know me.
It’s twisted, but it rings true.
If you don’t know me,
Then you can’t hurt me.
It’s a damn lonely way to live
But that’s just how I am.
So when someone finally gets close to me,
What happens then?
Par for the course is
I let them walk on my heart
And take from me
Until I am spent
And can take it
No longer.
I don’t want them to leave,
So I put up with
Much more bullshit
Than anybody else
Would EVER allow.
I am so afraid to be alone
That I hold on tighter
the more they push away.
They find out what they
Can get away with
And take full advantage
For as long as I let them.
Then I’m the one who
Looks like an ass
In front of everyone.
Because I am so trusting,
I will believe whatever I have to
To make me think
Things are going well,
Even when I know deep down
I’m going to get hurt again.
Someone tells me they’re going
To do something and I tell
Everyone else how excited I am
That it’s actually going to happen
And then it doesn’t
And my enthusiasm gets shot in the head.
I want to crawl under a rock and die.
But then they tell me
This time it WILL happen
And what do I do?
I believe them, AGAIN.
And again, I end up looking like
A ****ing imbecile.
Well, I’m tired of being the fool.
I’m tired of the disappointment.
From now on,
If I can’t physically be with someone,
Then I won’t “be” with them.
I’ve had enough hiding
Behind the damn computer screen.
I need to get out and live my life
Like the rest of the population.
I need to spend time with people.
To share my physical attributes
As well as what they get to see of me online.
I need to find a way
To get over my insecurities
And my fear of rejection
So I can see just what it’s like
To actually have a REAL relationship.
A relationship where I can
Hold someone close to me.
Feel their body against mine.
Kiss their lips and taste them.
All I really want
Is someone to spend time with
That I KNOW wants to be there
Because of me.
Not because of something I have
That they want.
Just to be with me.
I want someone
Who would be comfortable
If when we were together,
Not a word was spoken
For a couple hours,
But they were happy
Just to be in my arms.
I want someone
Who isn’t afraid
To get close to me.
I don’t bite….
Unless I’m asked to.
I want someone
Who will come right up
And wrap their arms around me
Just because they want to.
I want to feel wanted.
The physical aspects
Are what I crave
And exactly what
I HAVEN’T had for the last
Three and a half years.
When I go untouched,
I feel unloved.
I’ve been so neglected physically,
That I cry myself to sleep
Every night now.
If someone created a mirror
That could show you your soul,
My reflection would weep.
I could create a river
That would flood this planet
From the tears I’ve cried inside.
If someone found a way
To harness pain into energy,
I could put the oil companies
Out of business.
If someone could turn
Self loathing into pennies,
I would be more rich
Than Bill Gates.
If anyone could see
The thoughts that run
Through my head sometimes,
I KNOW I wouldn’t have friends anymore.
Some people know some things about me,
But no one really KNOWS me anymore.
There was only one person
Who did at one time,
And now even SHE doesn’t.
I want someone who I can share myself with
Without fear of judgment.
I’m so afraid of being rejected
That I can’t share
My deepest darkest thoughts with anybody.
I scare MYSELF with them quite often.
I can’t believe that I could be so
Malevolent. Cruel. Vicious. Inhuman.
I don’t know where they come from.
I want them to stop.
I’m afraid to close my eyes sometimes.
I am assaulted by images
That would make other people vomit.
I want to rain pestilence and death
Until the whole world is dead.
I have an urge to maim the innocent.
I want to make someone pay
For the misdeeds I’ve allowed
To be done to me.
I want to make someone hurt physically
The way I hurt emotionally.
I want to render flesh from bone
The way my heart has been torn from me.
I want to lash out at anyone
Who comes near to me.
I don’t want to be hurt again.
Everywhere I turn,
I see reflections of rejection.
I see reminders of the fact
That someone who once told me
How much they loved me
And that they would give
The WORLD for me
Couldn’t even muster up the courage
To show me her real ****ing face.
Instead, she broke her bond to me
And damaged me worse
Than anybody else ever has in my life.
The lies she spun
Caught me deep down inside,
Further than anyone has ever been willing to go.
She lifted me to heights I’ve never seen before
And then she hurled me to the depths,
Heart first and crushed me.
Obliterated any sense of feeling.
Routed a trench in my soul
Deep enough to hide Mount Everest.
It’s hard to fill such a vast abyss
One grain of sand at a time.
It took mere moments to dig it,
But I will be eternally filling it.
I need someone to come along
And help me level it out.
It will still take time to get back to ground level,
And some more time to settle,
And there will always be a scar.
But I hope to plant a new seed there
Once I have healed.
I would like to think we have all been there once or twice. I know I was just like this, minus the computer, for a number of years after the breakup of my then fiancee. I finally broke out of it and took life back. Good job. I really cannot crit this as it is more a story, a pouring out of the soul. I liked it very much.

If you get a chance, you can check out my latest.

Thank you for the feedback. Things have been much better since then. I've been with my wife for almost 5 years now, married for just over 2 of it and while we've had rough patches, she has been incredible. It's hard to see at the time how much better things will eventually get but I am glad I stuck it out and moved past it.