#1
So the latest song I'm working on, it might be a lil bit emo-ish, so read at your own risk...


I still feel the pain...
I felt the day before i was born...

I will feel the pain...
When I get stuck in a routine...

I want to be free...
Free to do whatever I want

I wish I could be free...
Free to follow all my dreams...

But everyone tells me...
To get back to reality...
That dreams never become true...
... In this society...

Then why do we live!?
for why do we fight!?
Why the hell can't we follow our dreams!?
Our dreams...

Tell me please,
What there is left,
To do in this world?
What keeps pople moving on?

I don't understand...
Why are some dreams so impossible?

Well I don't care!
I will follow them to death!
Because otherwise,
I don't see what is life for!!!


Yup... that's all i got.
#2
As you said, it's kinda emo, but that doesn't really matter as long as your material is good. which it is, it's actually pretty nice. Personally I think you should work on making your lyrics less..idk how to say..hmm..obvious? It's like you're stating the obvious of what's going on in your mind. Like why can't you follow your dreams etc. But I think that's more of a personal preferance. I really like poetic, and not so "out there" kinda things. Looking at it from another view tho: the fact that in its "obvious/out there" kinda state, it's nice.
I really like the part where it sais

"But everyone tells me...
To get back to reality...
That dreams never become true...
... In this society..."


Tho I think you should change the parts where it sais

"Tell me please,
What there is left,
To do in this world?
What keeps pople moving on?"


(especially the "what keeps people moving on")

and

"I don't understand...
Why are some dreams so impossible?

Well I don't care!"

It's all good as an idea, tho slightly cliche. And i guess I don't fancy it too much cuz it's not very symbolic and peotic? (sorry).

But yea, work on it, and it'll become something awesome..Just..play around with the words and stuff (:

C4C?

"The Inner Atributes"

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320793
#3
Quote by Maddita
As you said, it's kinda emo, but that doesn't really matter as long as your material is good. which it is, it's actually pretty nice. Personally I think you should work on making your lyrics less..idk how to say..hmm..obvious? It's like you're stating the obvious of what's going on in your mind. Like why can't you follow your dreams etc. But I think that's more of a personal preferance. I really like poetic, and not so "out there" kinda things. Looking at it from another view tho: the fact that in its "obvious/out there" kinda state, it's nice.
I really like the part where it sais

"But everyone tells me...
To get back to reality...
That dreams never become true...
... In this society..."


Tho I think you should change the parts where it sais

"Tell me please,
What there is left,
To do in this world?
What keeps pople moving on?"


(especially the "what keeps people moving on")

and

"I don't understand...
Why are some dreams so impossible?

Well I don't care!"

It's all good as an idea, tho slightly cliche. And i guess I don't fancy it too much cuz it's not very symbolic and peotic? (sorry).

But yea, work on it, and it'll become something awesome..Just..play around with the words and stuff (:

C4C?

"The Inner Atributes"

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1320793



Thanks a lot for the comment!!!

This i wrote what came to my mind, I'll fix it later, and yes, there are some cliches there lol...

I wrote it after my dad and i had a "talk" about that i have to pay more attention in school and do my homework instead of playing my guitar, but he started to say that I will never get anywhere with music and that i was going to be a hobo if i don't study and stuff...But I DO study... and have a bit-above-average grades, so i got a bit pissed of and wrote this lulz.


LOLOLOLOL I WROTE POPLE INSTEAD OF PEOPLE ROFL
Last edited by Khorne666 at Jun 7, 2010,
#4
yea I noticed the pople xP i was like..hm? :P But yea, nah it's all good..but you should for sure work on it (: So..this with your dad...sucks eh? I have some of those same probs here. study study, stop being on msn, stop being on the internet. gah -.- what the hell does she know? (my mom) she doens't know that I actually descuss all this music stuff, future stuff, and education for the most. stuff like that. just.. kinda annoying..most ppl know abt that (: so yea. Music shall be the education (: No, not shall be. It just is :P Hell, if you wanna do music, then you do music. and next time he comes to you saying that you haven't studied or have done your hw, while you're doing some music stuff? Well..prove him wrong..show him your hw (make sure to have done it :P), tell him what you know abt w/e you studied :P All good.

Anyways, back to the point. Continue on adding to this, change it up a bit (: and btw, thanks for the crit! (:
#5
I think it might work well in a very ambient song; the lyrics aren't the best, but seeing as there's a fair amount of emotion behind them, they could be quite effective if used right. What do you plan for the instruments?


Also, if you wouldn't mind doing C4C, both in my sig need it.