#1
We all, we all, walk this timeless path
We all, we all, persue the emptyness
We all breathe the air
What is the motive of this?



Our hearts, our minds, are all in doubt
Give me a reason
Give me a way out
Our heads have found our own destruction
Ignore the signs
Forget instruction

The lines fade away on my map
Cities isolated
Now I dont know where to run
(My God) How did his happen?

Repeat bold


As our brothers fall, we share no regret
We kill them all
We soon forget
Fragile faith is staring in your eyes
Sever the hand
that holds the ties

The lines fade away on my map
Cities isolated
Now I dont know where to run
(My God) How did his happen?

Repeat bold
...it was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat
#2
Thank you for the crit I appreciate it. I thought the flow was just great here. The only part where it seemed kind of jerky was that "cities isolated" stanzas. But that just might be the way I'm reading it. Anyways this was good and I espeically enjoyed the "as our brothers fall" verse. Keep it up
#3
Quote by c3powil
We all, we all, walk this timeless path
We all, we all, persue the emptyness
We all breathe the air
What is the motive of this?

It starts out good in the first two lines but I kinda lose the rhythm with the last two. It's most likely how I'm reading it and it could be completely kick-ass in the song, but I can only go by how I see it.

Our hearts, our minds, are all in doubt
Give me a reason
Give me a way out
Our heads have found our own destruction
Ignore the signs
Forget instruction
Not really anything I can bad-mouth about this verse. It's fairly strong and fits very well with a very nice rhythm to it.

The lines fade away on my map
Cities isolated
Now I dont know where to run
(My God) How did his happen?
I don't know why, but I don't see this stanza fitting in with the rest. It just seems kinda like the odd one out, if that makes sense. Sorry I can't elaborate more, it just seems awkward.

Repeat bold

As our brothers fall, we share no regret
We kill them all
We soon forget
Fragile faith is staring in your eyes
Sever the hand
that holds the ties
I absolutely love this stanza. It's one that just forms a rock hard fist and punches you right in the gut with it's meaning. Definitely the strongest of the song. I love the flow of it as well. There's not anything I can say I'd change about this.

The lines fade away on my map
Cities isolated
Now I dont know where to run
(My God) How did his happen?

Repeat bold


Dead memories
Last edited by blubolt09 at Jun 7, 2010,
#4
This song has really deep meaning to it.
I completely agree with the topic. Why are we leading ourselves into our own destruction?

I like,
"As our brothers fall, we share no regret
We kill them all
We soon forget
Fragile faith is staring in your eyes
Sever the hand
that holds the ties"

"Sever the hand, that holds the ties" very good metaphor there. Like it lots.

Keep on writing!
..I was watching my death.
#5
Thanks, guys. Im gonna work on the cities stanza.
...it was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat
#6
We all, we all, walk this timeless path
We all, we all, persue the emptyness
We all breathe the air
What is the motive of this?



Our hearts, our minds, are all in doubt
Give me a reason
Give me a way out
Our heads have found our own destruction
Ignore the signs
Forget instruction

Our eyes are becoming less inept
These lies took the whole night while we slept
Corrupt, another life forsaken
My God, How did this happen?

Repeat bold


As our brothers fall, we share no regret
We kill them all
We soon forget
Fragile faith is staring in your eyes
Sever the hand
that holds the ties

Our eyes are becoming less inept
These lies took the whole night while we slept
Corrupt, another life forsaken
My God, How did this happen?
Repeat bold
...it was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat
Last edited by c3powil at Jun 9, 2010,
#7
Definitely a better stanza. I actually really like the change. Very well written, sir. ^^
#8
I love this song. In my mind I was playing it in a Metallica-kinda way and it sounded pretty great. None of your rhyming seemed forced, I especially love this part:

Our heads have found our own destruction
Ignore the signs
Forget instruction

Good job!
I'M A COWBOY
#9
Thanks a lot guys. Im going to get to work today on the music and well see what happens.
...it was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat