#1
It's based on the green mile, don't know if it's good though.. Just wrote it up in like 7 minutes

He fell to his knees
with the dead girls in hands
crying, screaming to the heavens: 'Please!'
not so ignorant to make demands

he's got the record of the cleanest men
but his ethnicity doesn't concur
in the eyes of the father that lost his girls in the den
to him, what just happened was all a blur

The only thing he ever did was care too much
he only tried so save, with his healing touch

now he's 'cell mate B eight'
just another illiterate,
awaiting the chair
to take away the pain he's seen

The guards scream to loud
too caught under social cover
it's burning his soul
too caught to see he's just a lover

he closes his eyes, covers his ears
because he relives all the pain
but he's thankful for death
he wouldn't have been able to handle it for 20 years
#2
I don't really know if it's cryptic enough, like, you're not obscuring your meaning at all, it's not very poetic in that sense.
Also, I'm not entirely sure how the meter of it would work...
#3
Also, forced rhyming sometimes... like concur and blur. The test of a rhyme is whether you would have used those words together even if they hadn't rhymed, and if not, then it is a forced rhyme.
#5
It's not really bad, but it doesn't leave much to the imagination. It's very straight-forward and laid out. I also think, from a poetic pint of view, it's a tad boring in the sense that it feels like complaining. Complacent music is usually a swing and a miss. It also brings up the problem (The dead girl) right away. I think it'd sound better if it was about this guy sitting alone . Then cleverly throw in some unsure flashbacks. That's just me. Overall, it's ok, but it needs some work. Keep writing!
"This nightmare's gonna break me.
Please, Daylight, save me..."
Last edited by DaysofGrace at Jun 7, 2010,