#1
C4C.

These go to a very hazy song (maybe most people don't consider "hazy" an accurate description of music.....). It isn't done quite yet, but crit what's here.

Beds of flowers, just metaphors,
for beauty and innocence.
Not for me, I don't deserve,
in present nor in future tense.

They never die, instead, we do,
and place the blame in natures course.
We just have to accept,
that we can't perceive these metaphors.

We cannot perceive perfection,
through observation, nor recollection.
Beauty was never in our possession,
just an object of obsession.

Deaths of flowers, impossible,
the soul will always live forever.
Only bodies rot away,
only pseudo lovers sever.

Perfection lives, by definition,
untouchable fidelity.
Transient waves, mislabeled passion,
only end in irony.

We cannot perceive perfection,
through observation, nor recollection.
Beauty was never in our possession,
just an object of my obsession.

Dream of flowers, dream of sleep,
this journey is all I need.
Perfection, I can't achieve,
Nirvana will be the death of me.

Cannon fire, lives transpire,
they survive and we expire.

Cannon fire, lives transpire,
they survive and we expire.

Cannon fire, lives transpire,
they survive, now take me higher.

Innocence will die in bliss;
ignorance will not be missed.

So dream of flowers, dream of sleep,
this journey is all I need.
Perfection, I can't achieve,
Nirvana will be the death of me.


Follow the eightfold path.

We'll dream of flowers, dream of sleep,
this journey is all we need.
Perfection, we can deceive,
Nirvana will be the death of me and you.
Last edited by herby190 at Jun 8, 2010,
#2
I liked it. I thought it was well put together and yeah, I did get a hazy, almost Beatles feel to it, which is good. The best part of the song was the last 6 stanzas, the repetition and the lines themselves just seemed right to me.

None of the rhymes appeared to be forced, and the line "Nirvana will be the death of me" was just fitting with the rest of the peice, it seemed to sum the whole thing up quite well.

Overall, good work. Keep it up! If you get a moment, Id appreciate a c4c, link is in the sig. Thanks!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
Thanks for the crit.

I've added in the end of the song, now that I've completed the instruments. Also, I'm thinking of changing the title to "The Eightfold Path is a Myth", or something else involving the Eightfold Path.... I don't know why, but it feels important to me that people have Buddhism on their mind from the start of the piece.
#4
I really like the mood of this piece. Like you said a very hazy song. Definitely feels like some psychedelia. I really like the message too. You manage to get your point across while dressing it up in a beautiful metaphors, which is the essence of a good song. Anyways, I can't wait to hear the finished product.

Crit mine please.
Hunting Season
#5
I've got both of your crits returned.

I tried changing up the last stanza, to convey more of what I was going for; however, if it seems off, I'll change it back to be like the first and second chorus.