#1
(whipped this out in a couple of minutes.
felt like i had something going,
but it still doesn't feel right)
tonight
is what i'm breathing
nothing worth seeking
or places to die for
write down on paper
admittedly, i keep score
mentally and physically
tin pen and ink
to paint the poison
i constantly drink
rooted at the tips
with cancer consuming
ever last single star
before it reaches my palette

the chance to be is
more than reset
paths traveled
slips to the deep end
hold in sweetness
just what im reaping
scatter this folly into the wind
and keep repeating
all a dream
milk the moment
drink deep

this night courts chance
with two left feet
refuses to dance
and at worst is a cheat
but this dream is worth it
no matter the fraud
at the end of this bullshit
i may be thinking
*(it was worth every drop of blood)*
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.
Last edited by miloh.core at Jun 8, 2010,
#2
Quote by miloh.core
(whipped this out in a couple of minutes.
felt like i had something going,
but it still doesn't feel right)

the chance to be is
more than reset
paths traveled
slips to the deep end
hold in sweetness
just what im reaping
scatter this folly into the wind
and keep repeating
all a dream
milk the moment
drink deeply
I got lost during this first stanza. It's not a very strong opener to the song and doesn't really draw me in. It doesn't really ask any questions or insinuate anything. It's just there. I mean, it could be a helluva lot worse, but not very strong.

tonight
is what i'm breathing
nothing worth seeking
or places to die for
write down on paper
admittedly, i keep score
mentally and physically
tin pen and ink
to paint the poison
i constantly drink
rooted at the tips
with cancer consuming
ever last single star
before it reaches my palette
I actually quite enjoyed this stanza. The beginning four lines are definitely the strongest, growing a bit weaker in the middle and ending on about the same note as the beginning. If I might make a suggestion, I might change this one with the first stanza. This one would definitely draw me in more. But it's your song

tonight courts chance
with two left feet
refuses to dance
and at worst is a cheat
but this dream is worth it
no matter the fraud
at the end of this bullshit
i may be thinking
****, i had a little fun
I loved the way this started out. But it just ended on such a.. 'bleh' note. "****, I had a little fun"? You could definitely make this song a whole lot better.


Dead memories
#3
thanks blu.

switching those two stanzas,
helped pull it together.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.