#1
I wrote this song in the feel of a Mumford & Sons/White Lies/Bon Iver'ish type of tune. I've got music for it already and hopefully if my recording equipment decides to work I'll get a good recording for it!

Don’t; let the world get you down my love,
And know, that I will always be there for you..
Because time always makes a fool out of everyone
Until we’re lost.
And these blue, skies they taunt the dreams of lonely fiends..

C’mon let’s run, escape from the city tonight
While hopes are still high
The Earth, does not relinquish grip once it’s claimed
Those who long had stayed..

Now let’s forget, the fear and hate they spread in this town
The war is not lost
Just devoid of all sanity
Threadbare hope remains
And that is all that anyone has ever needed

Now we’ll have time to wander streets when it’s passed
While reflections of horizons hit our eyes
And the thunder rolls above our heads
But imagination hides us from the sky
Patchwork scenes and recycled dreams remain
Along with me, forever here I’ll be
Along with me, forever here I’ll be
Along with me, forever here I’ll be

Crit for crit of course I'll get back as soon as I can. Thanks!
Last edited by aidzo_og at Jun 7, 2010,
#2
hey, sorry it took me so long to crit back on you work, but here it goes. also Justin Vernon is from my town and is my english teachers son. just thought id throw that out there.

Quote by aidzo_og
I wrote this song in the feel of a Mumford & Sons/White Lies/Bon Iver'ish type of tune. I've got music for it already and hopefully if my recording equipment decides to work I'll get a good recording for it!

Don’t; let the world get you down my love,
And know, that I will always be there for you..
Because time always makes a fool out of everyone
Until we’re lost.
And these blue, skies they taunt the dreams of lonely fiends..
there wasn't really a rhyme scheme, but there doesn't need to be. this line was good because it took something that is usually cliche and made it not cliche, nicejob.

C’mon let’s run, escape from the city tonight
While hopes are still high
The Earth, does not relinquish grip once it’s claimed
Those who long had stayed..
i was a fan of the first three lines, the were great. but the last line doesn't do it for me, it disrupts the flow.

Now let’s forget, the fear and hate they spread in this town
The war is not lost
Just devoid of all sanity
Threadbare hope remains
And that is all that anyone has ever needed
this is the only part of the song where it seems to throw me off, this stanza just didnt seem to fit, the emotion of this stanza is more...angry, ect mainly just negative feelings. the vibe i got from the rest was completely different

Now we’ll have time to wander streets when it’s passed
While reflections of horizons hit our eyes
And the thunder rolls above our heads
But imagination hides us from the sky
Patchwork scenes and recycled dreams remain
Along with me, forever here I’ll be
Along with me, forever here I’ll be
Along with me, forever here I’ll be
undoutably the best stanza in this piece, the first five lines are have great imagery



all in all, i liked this piece, just a few things to touch up on. have a good one.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#3
I wish the rest of the piece had lived up to the cleverness and originality of the title. I thought 90% of the piece fell into the cliche/unoriginal/fairly boring categories. The writing just didn't have any oomph, nor did it deliver beautiful images or a tale for me to latch on to. The title was a beautiful image and idea... I wish everything else could have followed it.
#4
@ Ir a + inf. Wow that's really cool I'm a big fan of Bon Iver! That's a good thing to throw out there I guess. The main negatives you pointed out were similar to what I saw as the weak points I'll no doubt make a few changes and thanks for the crit.

@ Zanas.. well everyones entitled to an opinion I guess but it's probably beyond salvaging if that's what you think about it. I thought up the title from one of the lines as well.