#1
I wrote this about how I see society conforming and decieving others into ways of thinking, and how it's a never ending cycle because people who are raised a certain way will also raise their own kids that way. Deception's a bitch.


The pigeons strut as children watch,
How could the masters of reality
See
Through the iron masks that hide the faces,
Of an innocent generations
Dreams
What they see is all they know
Only what intrigues them sticks the most,
You see

Black-hearted world dubs happiness
As harmful as dementor's kiss
As branded youth is turned around
I know this world has Judas Kissed

Man has been blessed with a trait
That allows him to choose his own fate
Yet
He is seduced, by these thoughts
He knows not how, he should cross
The sea
A kiss that gives is a kiss that takes
The kissed know not a bit what makes
Them kids.

A scarlet letter bolted in
To the mind, the heart, the soul within
My kids who see no further than
Love and passion, how could I sin?
When I've already been........kissed.
Quote by sadSTATUE
Uhmmm... Well, apparently I was mentioned in a thread called "Japan and Lesbians."

Quote by Unknown_Biskit
Try typing "potatoes" with your dick then submit it.



My cover of Manchester Orchestra's "I Can Feel Your Pain"
http://www.mediafire.com/?jfvt54j4mkiiq99
#2
The pigeons strut as children watch,
How could the masters of reality
See
Through the iron masks that hide the faces,
Of an innocent generations
Dreams
What they see is all they know
Only what intrigues them sticks the most,
You see

*I don't really get the first half is it questioning how the opressor can inflict their views onto the younger generation/ whomever they want? But then the last sort of third is good*

Black-hearted world dubs happiness
As harmful as dementor's kiss
As branded youth is turned around
I know this world has Judas Kissed


*This verse is smart yeah about how the world dictates the youth but the Judas Kissed doesn't really fit in my opinion especially because it's meant to rhyme with the same word in the second line, i'd change it that.*


Man has been blessed with a trait
That allows him to choose his own fate
Yet
He is seduced, by these thoughts
He knows not how, he should cross
The sea
A kiss that gives is a kiss that takes
The kissed know not a bit what makes
Them kids.

*Bible references to Moses and the Red Sea? Again? Gets a bit repetitive I dunno it's how I interpreted it anyway. Don't get the kissing references either though I'm sure it makes sense to you, is it like those who are brainwashed?*

A scarlet letter bolted in
To the mind, the heart, the soul within
My kids who see no further than
Love and passion, how could I sin?
When I've already been........kissed.

*Ok so yeah the brainwashing theme sticks out in this verse it's probably the most vivid and its the one with the best rhythm. If you'd just kept the imagery like this throughout it would've been fantastic*

*Overall it was quite good and with some work on the rhythm it could definitely be improved and by editing some of the metaphors and biblical references (if they were biblical) I think the whole feel could be protrayed a lot better*
#3
^^ Okay, first off, thanks for such an in depth and helpful review.

To answer your questions about the first stanza, your understanding of it is correct. I add subtle things that many people might not notice without me telling, like in this stanza. The pigeons strutting was just for imagery of innocent youth at the park. The reason I said iron masks hiding their faces is to show at the beginning is because (at this point) I don't realize the significance of their behavior. Later in the lyrics, I resolve to understand that that is how they are raised. As the lyrics progress, I go from not understanding at all to a point where I see how it has affected society and me, personally.

Second verse: Dementor's kiss is a harry potter reference, where dementors suck the souls out of people. Judas Kiss was just used as a recurring motif of kisses, and it also deals with deception. The whole kissing reference is a style of contrast I like to use. If you just hear the word kiss (or song title; "Kissed") you probably weren't thinking about evil and deception. It is a word with generally positive connotation, yet I show it being used in very negative ways.

3rd stanza: Not intended to be a refence to Moses parting the red sea. It was just a way to portray confusion on how to get through life when you're hardly thinking for yourself, and people try to tell you what you should do, even when different options feel "right."

Rhythm works very well throughout actually, but it might be hard to feel when you're just reading it. It isn't perfectly straight forward (like iambic pentameter throughout haha), but I do have a melody for the vocals and it does work.

I did this the same way I do all my lyrics, where I just write in 5-10 minutes with just a vague idea in my head, and a general rhythm. I haven't done any editing (in fact the written lyrics have no erases or anything), but I'll definitely take what you said into account. Thanks.


EDIT: Oh, and I also don't generally like to rhyme using the same word (kiss and kissed), but that's the way it cam out this time. I wanted to also emphasize the kissing motif.
Quote by sadSTATUE
Uhmmm... Well, apparently I was mentioned in a thread called "Japan and Lesbians."

Quote by Unknown_Biskit
Try typing "potatoes" with your dick then submit it.



My cover of Manchester Orchestra's "I Can Feel Your Pain"
http://www.mediafire.com/?jfvt54j4mkiiq99
#4
This is good, I like it. I dont know If I would change anything because it s hard to tell what you're trying to say in some verses. Try a more clear approach to metaphorize what you're trying to say. I like the scheme of the 1 and 3 stanzas, but I feel like the last two words on the 1 stanza was put there just to make it fit.

Crit, plz
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1322731
...it was bright as the sun, but with ten times the heat
#5
I enjoyed the HP reference yerr with a bit of explanation it's easier to see where you're coming from. It'll be interesting to hear it! What type of music do you have written/ intend to write for it?
#6
Quote by aidzo_og
I enjoyed the HP reference yerr with a bit of explanation it's easier to see where you're coming from. It'll be interesting to hear it! What type of music do you have written/ intend to write for it?


probably grindcore


haha okay just kidding. Not 100% sure, but I'm thinking fairly slow for stanzas 1 and 3, with either phasered chords or arpeggio licks in those chord shapes. Vocals will sound Jim Morrison-y, I guess I could put it. For the second and last stanzas, I want to go a little heavier. I'm not sure if it's gonna turn out to be like Metallica heavy, or just more uptemo riffs, and slightly distorted/fuzzed. With these lyrics, it could seriously be anything haha.
Quote by sadSTATUE
Uhmmm... Well, apparently I was mentioned in a thread called "Japan and Lesbians."

Quote by Unknown_Biskit
Try typing "potatoes" with your dick then submit it.



My cover of Manchester Orchestra's "I Can Feel Your Pain"
http://www.mediafire.com/?jfvt54j4mkiiq99