#1
Lemme know what you think.

I’m a good man
in a dark room
in a big town
under a full moon
it’s a friday and I’m almost home

I’m in a good place
full of head space
got a brand new pack in my suitcase
but it’s dinner and then it's bed alone
How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do

I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn't, doesn’t deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

Gonna make it, like I need her
gonna miss her the moment I meet her
and it’s only gonna get worse from there

I’ll be rappin' there in the shower
she’ll be here by the end of the hour
I can do better
but I can’t do better now

How do you break a mended heart?
I'm bored and want something to do

I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

So long is over
nice to skip the chance you get to know you
why did I think this was true?
Because I wanted to

I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman who doesn’t, doesn’t deserve my love

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive

I wanna fall
I wanna kneel
I wanna laugh, cry, say goodbye
beg, lie, cheat and steal
#2
Don't post more than one piece in 24 hours. Check out the forum rules; they're serious about 'em.

The lyrics are Tom Pettyish, which is a fine and dandy thing. The chorus is decent, but I would suggest the emotional impact would be stronger if you didn't deserve her love, rather than the other way 'round. It sounds conceited, the way you've written it, and while braggin' on yourself is a popular trope in music, that sort of music doesn't seem to stay in the public consciousness as long as self-deprecating music. So my suggestion there would be to change the chorus thus:
I wanna fall, fall asleep
asleep in the arms, the arms of a woman
a woman whose love I don't
I don't deserve

I wanna lie, lie to myself
myself and someone else
just to feel something, something that hurts me
the hurt makes me feel alive
In terms of verse structure, I liked the symmetry in the first two stanzas, but after that the verses are a bit of a mess. I'd recommend tightening up your structure. In the second stanza, I would also go:
I’m in a good place
full of head space
got a brand new pack
in my suitcase
I'm bored and want something to do
The "But it’s dinner and then it's bed alone. How do you break a mended heart?" bit is a nice notion, but it doesn't scan with the rest, so I'd say put that in another verse.

I'd also recommend fixing your lousy punctuation, but I usually don't get deep into that sort of thing until the poetry itself is a little tighter.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Last edited by Nilchii at Jun 8, 2010,
#3
its another John Mayer song, its actually called "The Hurt"...
Quote by magnus_maximus
You're whackin' one off in the toilet and you jizz on the counter?

I hope you never get a driving license.


Quote by Albino_Rhino
Dude mangoes are so good. Imagine a blowjob, but instead of the feeling being on your dick, it's on your mouth.