inspired by true events.

you know, i woke up this morning and i forgot.
people say some happenings feel like dreams,
but this was just a dream i completely forgot
- 'or you never dreamt it?' she spoke
well of course i dreamt it Rachel
i didn't just wake up one morning and know
the freckles dispersed around your neck
create a question mark when you play connect the dots
- 'what are you talking about!' she laughed
i'm talking about a secret, i know a secret..
real life is a dream and our dreams are real life!
- 'you're insane' smiling she wrapped her hands around my neck
and kissed me on the mouth.
light broke across the sea, and i woke up.
i didn't know what was a dream and what was real
so i got a shotgun and watched ketchup splatter on the ceiling.
I really liked it. Especially how you set it up in the beginning. The end was great too.
I know now what I knew then, but I didn't know then what I know now
I have to agree with the above poster. The problem with being literal is you either have to be ridiculously painfully literal, or not literal at all. The strange style of, let's call it poetic literalness, that you've used here just makes the read dull and uninspired, almost clumsy. I also hate a piece starting with "you know", it's too casual and, well, yuck. Because what you're writing about isn't very original, you really need to present it in a really interesting and original way for it to be anything else but boring, and you just haven't managed to do that here.