#1
Thank You For Looking
Feel free to leave comments
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Fancy Ballroom, Chandeliers, Champagne by candle light.
We both married money now we live a privileged life.
Evening gown, diamond rings, long black limousines
Tonight we met each other was it love or just a fling?

I notice you and I see the way you look at me.
This attraction is it chance or was it ment to be?
Outside on the terrace we chat a while, and the closer we get,
Wonder why we're not in each others arms yet.
Fancy Ballroom, Chandeliers, we danced under crystal lights.
Now we'll dance on the terrace beneath a Gypsy Moon tonight.

I wait outside by the limo sip my drink wonder where you're at.
Wonder why we're not in each others arms yet.
I had the driver park the limo someplace out of sight.
Now we'll try to find love In a cheap hotel room tonight.

Evening gown, diamond rings, long black limousines.
Tonight we said words of love to each other we don't mean.
Now we lie here by each other smoke a cigarette.
Knowing what we've done some day we'll both regret.

Fancy Ballroom, Chandeliers, we danced under crystal lights.
And we danced alone together beneath a Gypsy Moon tonight.
Evening gown, diamond rings, long black limousines.
Tonight we loved each other but it wasn't what it seemed.

It was wrong and we knew it but somehow it seemed right.
So we took an extra privilege in a cheap hotel room tonight.
Yes we got to know each other in a cheap hotel room tonight.
We walked away from each other and a cheap hotel room last-night.
Last edited by jodyWayne at Jun 22, 2010,
#2
I like how you put this in a rich persons eyes, just goes to show just because your rich doesn't mean love comes easy.
#3
You really, like commas, but you don't, seem to use them, well.

peace
#4
Wow, nice, I specially liked the concept of "repeating" the last part of the verses, very creative, keep up the good work!
#5
Quote by jmh765
I like how you put this in a rich persons eyes, just goes to show just because your rich doesn't mean love comes easy.

Thank you very much. This is actually a true story. Happened in Chicago in the mid 1930's. I did a little cleaning up on the song. Pretty much the same, just not as much clutter.

Thanks for looking, and thanks for leaving a comment. I'v noticed fifety people might look but only three leave a comment. (sometimes) lol If you have songs here I will look and leave feedback.

Take care,
jodyW
#6
Quote by Nilchii
You really, like commas, but you don't, seem to use them, well.

peace

lol Hi. I was told on another forum I didn't use enough commas. I made sure this song had plenty. (serious overkill) I've cleaned up the song a bit, made a few corrections. Thanks for looking. And for your input.

Take care,
jodyW
#7
I enjoyed this immensely. The idea behind the peice is very luxuriously displayed, but is a simple human feeling many can relate to. well done there.

Im not sure if I really understand your use of commas, it seems unnecessary unless you were attempting to convey some sort of rythmn, in which case I failed to pick it up.

Overall, great job. Keep it up! If you get a moment, id appreciate a crit 4 crit. link is in the sig. Thanks!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#8
Quote by EddieOwen
I really liked this, I was almost singing it in my mind while I read it.

Thanks Eddie. I cleaned the song a little, got rid of a little cluter. Some sugestions from members that I feel helped. I think its cool when you can almost sing a song with just the lyrics. To me that means the song has heart. I'm honored, thank you.
If you have songs here I will have a look, and let you know I was there.

Take care,
jodyW
#9
Quote by Damaged Roses
Wow, nice, I specially liked the concept of "repeating" the last part of the verses, very creative, keep up the good work!

I love that word (Wow!)
Thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's all been worth while now. Thanks for leaving a comment. A lot more don't than do. If you have songs here I will have a look and let you know I was there.

Take care,
jodyW
#10
Quote by PCADriven
I enjoyed this immensely. The idea behind the peice is very luxuriously displayed, but is a simple human feeling many can relate to. well done there.

Im not sure if I really understand your use of commas, it seems unnecessary unless you were attempting to convey some sort of rythmn, in which case I failed to pick it up.

Overall, great job. Keep it up! If you get a moment, id appreciate a crit 4 crit. link is in the sig. Thanks!

Thank you very much. I'm happy you enjoyed it. That makes it all worth while. The commas are not for grammar. I use them for a one count rest when singing the song. I actually removed some of them just now since we're not singing here. It would be my pleasure to look a your work and leave feedback.

Thanks again,
jodyW
#12
I really liked it, the lyrics have a great, obvious rhythm that i quite enjoyed. Good work! You gonna be putting music to it? Cause i'd love to hear it.
Quote by magnus_maximus
You're whackin' one off in the toilet and you jizz on the counter?

I hope you never get a driving license.


Quote by Albino_Rhino
Dude mangoes are so good. Imagine a blowjob, but instead of the feeling being on your dick, it's on your mouth.
#13
I like it, comes across as a rich one-night stand gone wrong. I have mixed feelings towards the recycled lines that have been chopped and changed a little; they work, but its personally something I'm not keen on myself.
#14
Quote by Pyrest
I like it, comes across as a rich one-night stand gone wrong. I have mixed feelings towards the recycled lines that have been chopped and changed a little; they work, but its personally something I'm not keen on myself.

Hello pyrest,
Thank you very much for your input. This song is almost complete but still a work in progress. I have made changes recommended by some of the viewers. I think I know what you are talking about, (lines chopped and changed a little), but just to make sure could you please point them out to me. They may be changes i'm not that happy with either and may change back or restructure somehow.

By the way this is actually based on a true story. I want to try and keep it as close to the truth as it was told to me. "I love the true stories"

Thank you,
jodyW
#15
Quote by racman92
I really liked it, the lyrics have a great, obvious rhythm that i quite enjoyed. Good work! You gonna be putting music to it? Cause i'd love to hear it.

Hello racman,
Thanks for jumping in here with both feet. I'm very glad you like it. Makes all that work worth while. I have created the music for it. I will try and get a recording on youtube this week end. Warning: I'm not a singer.
It will be at: www.youtube.com/jodywayne47

By the way, this song is based on a true story. Cool, uhhh.

Thanks again,
jodyW
#16
Quote by get some
sounds sexual

It is. And it's true. That's the best part.

Thanks for looking
jodyW
#17
Quote by jodyWayne
Hello pyrest,
Thank you very much for your input. This song is almost complete but still a work in progress. I have made changes recommended by some of the viewers. I think I know what you are talking about, (lines chopped and changed a little), but just to make sure could you please point them out to me. They may be changes i'm not that happy with either and may change back or restructure somehow.

By the way this is actually based on a true story. I want to try and keep it as close to the truth as it was told to me. "I love the true stories"

Thank you,
jodyW


"Fancy Ballrooms, Chandeliers, Champagne by candle light."
and,
"Fancy Ballroom's, Chandeliers, dancing under crystal lights."

and actually, after reading a little more into it;

"Fancy Ballrooms, Chandeliers, dancing under crystal lights.
Now we'll dance on the terrace beneath a Gypsy Moon tonight."
and
"Fancy Ballroom's, Chandeliers, dancing under crystal lights.
Yes we danced alone together beneath a Gypsy Moon tonight."

"while sip our drinks." (minor thing, I'd have put a comma inbetween while and sip.)
and
"I'll wait outside by the limo sip my drink."

Also, I find that using the same words alot through a song kind of detracts from the meaning and power behind them.
#18
Hi Pyrest,
This is not what I expected. I see there is some repatition. I don't care for a lot of repatition either. This is close, but I don't think it is too excessive. The lines you mention are what opens the arena and sets the mood for the story. If I remove all this I don't think I even have a song any more? What would I replace those lines with? I'm at a bit of a loss on that. If you have something in mind, please let me know. Again, thank you very much for taking your time to participate.

Take care,
jodyW