#1
ok well I have this friend thats very insecure and has had a pretty rough life but she's smart and pretty and just a very pleasant person to actually know and she writes a lot of poems and i asked her if she could help me get started with writing a song. She agreed and I told her it would be about insomnia and my mind playing tricks on me and all that or stuff thats happened in my life. I was just excpecting some tips or something but within minutes she comes up with like a whole verse and I think its really good but I'm her friend and my opinion could be a little biased and as insecure as she is I don't want to set her up to be knocked down or anything so without further delay.

Insomnia's tearing at my brain
Hatred's driving me insane
Down on my knees praying for relief
To a god when I don't believe
Screaming echos my thoughts
Blackness, I'm lost
Here in the darknessmy fears arise
I'm lost, hopeless buried in lies

then later she came up with a chorus

You said you loved me
You promised you cared
But that was bullsh**
The feelings were never there
You drove me to madness with all your lies
Now I'm stuck rotting in my own dark demise

and another verse...


Growing up in russian roulette
Playing just to forget
Take a breath take aim
Pull the trigger nothing's the same
My heart beat fades
Stuck in my own dark demise
Just a dream none is real
No matter how it made me feel
Illusions play tricks on my mind
Truth too hard to find

the lines might be off in the way they're arranged cause she sent them to me in texts. Any input is greatly apprieciated
Guitars:
LTD F-50
Yamaha EG-112
'77 Harmony
Roadworn Starcaster
Gretsch G5120

Amps:
Vypyr 15
Epiphone Valve Junior combo
#2
Well, I do like these lyrics. I like both verses, but thought the 1st was a little better than the second. I would say the chorus could use a little more work, but it's not bad as is... This seems like it could be a metal song in my opinion, I would like it with an aggressive heavy riff i think; what musical direction (if there was any) was these lyrics intended for??? Pretty good
#3
I didn't like how the "stuck in my dark demise" thing was repeated in a later verse.
#4
My unprofessional opinion: sounds like you are pouring on the macaroni and cheese there. The chorus doesn't really relate to the verses. If you want to express restlessness and unease, i would use a lot less adjectives and more verbs. Otherwise it's sounding contrived like something those karate-kicking hardcore bands would write. I know you didn't write this, but if you are the one singing the song, you should write the lyrics(they mean more that way). Only my opinion, I don't make a living as a musician or call myself a songwriter. Good luck and keep making music!
#5
Quote by cultfiction
Well, I do like these lyrics. I like both verses, but thought the 1st was a little better than the second. I would say the chorus could use a little more work, but it's not bad as is... This seems like it could be a metal song in my opinion, I would like it with an aggressive heavy riff i think; what musical direction (if there was any) was these lyrics intended for??? Pretty good


i told her i was going for the hard rock kind of thing and her brothers a metalhead and i think she took hard rock as metal lol but its all good

Quote by swarley
I didn't like how the "stuck in my dark demise" thing was repeated in a later verse.


yeah i didn't exactly like that either

Quote by waxed_mustache
My unprofessional opinion: sounds like you are pouring on the macaroni and cheese there. The chorus doesn't really relate to the verses. If you want to express restlessness and unease, i would use a lot less adjectives and more verbs. Otherwise it's sounding contrived like something those karate-kicking hardcore bands would write. I know you didn't write this, but if you are the one singing the song, you should write the lyrics(they mean more that way). Only my opinion, I don't make a living as a musician or call myself a songwriter. Good luck and keep making music!


well i said it would be restlessness and unease or about my life and being a sweetheart she threw a little of both in and i'm not going to be singing this, it was just something she thought of to try and help me and she did offer to let me use it but i said it wouldn't be right and its not my words.
Guitars:
LTD F-50
Yamaha EG-112
'77 Harmony
Roadworn Starcaster
Gretsch G5120

Amps:
Vypyr 15
Epiphone Valve Junior combo