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#1
My grandfather had been in the hospital for the past week or so. His kidneys and his liver have been functioning less and less... I recieved a phone call from my mom at about 9 o'clock earlier tonight and I found out he had passed away. It's the first and closest loss of a family member I've ever suffered... I'm going to be honest, I don't really know how to handle it. I've been extremely upset to the point where I've cried uncontrollably to being so angry... I just can't stand it.

I honestly don't know why I made this thread... So to prevent this from being a blog, I'll ask this: If you are comfortable talking about it, who was your first family loss, and how did you handle it?

Maybe it'll help get me through this.
KLH & KGB
11/28/09
Last edited by KGB_INC at Jun 11, 2010,
#2
Sorry to here that, man.

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#3
I'm sorry

OT- haven't lost anyone in my family, but I don't have very near bonds with them, so I don't think I'll be too crushed when it happens. A bit sad really.
#4
That sucks man. My grandfather died last summer without any warning at all. In a way, you're lucky - at least you got to say goodbye, right?
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one of the best, educated and logical posts I've ever seen on UG in the Pit. Well done good sir.
#5
i lost my Dad when i was 9 years old and, theres no way to ever get over it..you just learn to live with it...do you have anything of his (wallet watch toys) any possesions of his? if so just always hold onto to those as a reminder but other than that..just live man
#6
I cried for days and didn't go to school.


Sorry for your loss man. It gets easier (or maybe i'm just growing colder )
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#7
My condolences man. You can never prepare for it. Stay close with your parents, they'll need your support, and you'll need theirs.

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#8
I'm not trying to be mean, but your grandfather was old and sick... it was the same when my grandmother died. It was more of a relief than anything else. Sure it was sad, but it was not a tragedy by any means.

It sure as shit could be worse...
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#9
Quote by FrustratedRocka
That sucks man. My grandfather died last summer without any warning at all. In a way, you're lucky - at least you got to say goodbye, right?

Well, yeah... but he was so dosed up with drugs that he was practically unconscious. He was asleep the entire time... It was really the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. I was at the hospital, and my family was visiting (except my mom, she was there the entire time [It was her dad]) so I had free access to the room. I walked in... And he was waking up from the medications. His eyes were wide open like he'd seen the devil, and he was fighting trying to get out of the bed. You could see just how scared he was... If he had ripped a single IV out of his body, he wouldn't have lasted longer than a few minutes. It was so scary... That was the last time I saw him unfortunately. I told him I loved him... and that was it. I'm glad he isn't suffering anymore... but God.
KLH & KGB
11/28/09
Last edited by KGB_INC at Jun 11, 2010,
#10
I have had two of my great-uncles die, and my half-brother. I didn't cry when any of them died. I didn't think much of it really. I miss them, but I've never cried for them. A few months ago my dog who I've had since I was 4 picked him out myself died. Still I didn't cry. He probably had to be my closest companion. For 10 years he slept in my room, now it feels so empty without him. Coming home from school he would always be sitting on the driveway in his spot in front of the door. Now he's not. It feels weird. But I've never cried over a death. I've never been one to deal with emotions, I just ignore them. I vent through my thoughts. Many times have I paced in my room late at night thinking things about people and events in my life, and that's how I deal with things. By myself, with nothing but my thoughts. It somehow makes me feel better.
#11
Sorry to hear that

I hate saying good bye to people; especially when they're dying. I just try to act as happy and joyful as I can around them (I mean, think about it, if you were dying would you want a bunch of people around you crying or people acting the way they normally do?) but I usually end up crying and losing it. And that makes me feel really bad. But I'm sure they understand.

hang in there buddy.
#12
Agreed, stay with your parents. Family always gets over losses as a team. My first loss, believe it or not, was a cat. Never knew my grandparents so when they passed, I didn't really care. My two cats, had em since before I was even born. Died at 18 and 19, one of em in my arms. Couldn't eat for a week. =/ Eventually your feelings will return to normal.
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#13


Happened to me a few years ago. I just cried for days and didn't do anything at all for a while. Still bugs me sometimes. I'm sorry that I don't know how to help.
#14
Well, where do I start....

...my life probably started going downhill when my Mom tried to kill herself. They thought I was asleep when they were arguing and she downed that bottle of pills, but I was awake; I just didn't make a sound.

Then when I was twelve, my Mom informed that my actual father (whom I never met) was dead, and probably didn't know about me.

Later on I found out he wasn't my father; I still don't know who my actual father is, or was.

After that my grandmother whom I was very close with died slowly of brain cancer, and my parents abandoned me for drugs.

I'd like to say that I'm not a cold shell of a human being after all that but I can't. All I can do is take it all in and try to see a silver lining and make something positive out of it and move on with my life.

My whole life has been loss. I am almost unscathable at this point.
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#15
2003- my grandpa died a slow slow painful death. he died of liver and bladder cancer. he was in alot of pain, and it grew very intense in the last 2 weeks. i wasnt even allowed to see him the last few days it got so bad, only the adults could, they didnt want an 11 yr old to see him like that and i dont blame them,

2009- my grandma got remarried to a really nice guy, he became my new "grandpa" but i always called him by his first name. we loved him, he wasnt a replacement, just a new family member. he got lukemia. he was in the hospital about a week, they said he had 2 weeks to live. I went to the Grtfl dead show 3 hours away, took some psychodelic drugs. i thought he had 2 weeks right? so i get back the next morning, reflecting on that awesome time, still feelin the afterglow of said drugs. my family said they were going to visit him, i said, nah he has 2 weeks...but something in the back of my head told me to swing by. as i walked in the door, not 10 minutes had passed and he took his last breath. it was honestly good in a way. sad of course, but it was so peaceful and natural. no intense drugs, chemo, and pain like my grandpa. it was one of the most surreal weekends of my life, drugs at the grtfl dead followed by watching someone die.
#16
My grandfather died 2008 around Christmas. It was a really hard time of the year for our family. Best wishes
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#17
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i lost my Dad when i was 9 years old and, theres no way to ever get over it..you just learn to live with it...do you have anything of his (wallet watch toys) any possesions of his? if so just always hold onto to those as a reminder but other than that..just live man

This, but I was 7.
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#18
Sorry to hear that. My grandfather passed away when I was really young so I can't remember him unfortunately though I wish I could. But my parents told me that it was at his funeral that I took my very first steps.
#20
sorry dude


LOL JK kill yourself.


don't go to the internet for sympathy or help, specially not the pit, you need a really good friend you can say anything to right now, I hope you have one
#21
Sorry for your loss man.

I lost my father when i was 6. I remember crying alot at his burial.
To be honest i dont remember him much anymore but i do feel his absence still.
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#23
everything is matter/energy. that's all the universe is. everything that comprised your grandfather is still here. the next time you see a beautiful sunset with your girlfriend close by and you're overwhelmed by it, your grandfather's there too. some part of him. whether one believes in heaven or not, there's a very real aspect to living forever through nature and through others' memories.

your grandfather was a really important person to you, but he's not gone. he didn't live his life in vain. he passed himself onto (hopefully only ) one of your parents who passed part of him onto you. and you'll continue to pass it on just as your grandfather passed on his forefathers.

my grandfather passed about a year and a half ago. i was going to call him to say goodbye after class. during class, in the middle of my presentation my phone started to buzz in my pocket. i knew what it was, but i kept going with the presentation then left the room. found out he had died around the time my class started. i was upset i didn't get to tell him i loved him (we didn't get to see him very much).

but i can guarantee as my grandfather drew his last breath, some afterbirth-ridden newborn down the hall took his first. as tears of sorrow ran down my face, some mother's eyes were full with tears of joy. it's the way of nature. it seems cruel until we get older and gain more experience. by the time we're your grandfather's age it all starts to make sense as we gain wisdom of life and the world around us. that's just the way the darn human comedy keeps perpetuating itself according to a feller i once knew.

we can get into a philosophical discussion of what it means to be "alive." but as long as you keep your memories of him alive, he's alive too. if you walk outside right now and look at the the night sky, part of your grandfather is literally there with you. and he's also alive in your mind. sure, you can't call him up and go give him a hug. that upsets us because that's the kind of affection that we, as social creatures, know. but now you can share in something even more awesome in the spectrum of life.

#DTWD
#24
Man, UG is making me sad today

I dunno how I got over my gramps death, the pain hust wore off after awhiekl, hope uu feei better soon freind. :hig:
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#25
Thanks to whichever mod banned "Iamtehvocalist"

Sorry to hear it man, I lost my Grandpa on my dad's side of the family when I was 9, and my Grandma from the same side passed away about a year ago. Both were really surreal feeling, and I miss them both like crazy. I'm just glad that I got to see them. We moved from California up here to Oregon when I was 7, and if we hadn't, I would have only seen my Grandpa once before he passed.

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#26
Quote by primusfan
everything is matter/energy. that's all the universe is. everything that comprised your grandfather is still here. the next time you see a beautiful sunset with your girlfriend close by and you're overwhelmed by it, your grandfather's there too. some part of him. whether one believes in heaven or not, there's a very real aspect to living forever through nature and through others' memories.

your grandfather was a really important person to you, but he's not gone. he didn't live his life in vain. he passed himself onto (hopefully only ) one of your parents who passed part of him onto you. and you'll continue to pass it on just as your grandfather passed on his forefathers.

my grandfather passed about a year and a half ago. i was going to call him to say goodbye after class. during class, in the middle of my presentation my phone started to buzz in my pocket. i knew what it was, but i kept going with the presentation then left the room. found out he had died around the time my class started. i was upset i didn't get to tell him i loved him (we didn't get to see him very much).

but i can guarantee as my grandfather drew his last breath, some afterbirth-ridden newborn down the hall took his first. as tears of sorrow ran down my face, some mother's eyes were full with tears of joy. it's the way of nature. it seems cruel until we get older and gain more experience. by the time we're your grandfather's age it all starts to make sense as we gain wisdom of life and the world around us. that's just the way the darn human comedy keeps perpetuating itself according to a feller i once knew.

we can get into a philosophical discussion of what it means to be "alive." but as long as you keep your memories of him alive, he's alive too. if you walk outside right now and look at the the night sky, part of your grandfather is literally there with you. and he's also alive in your mind. sure, you can't call him up and go give him a hug. that upsets us because that's the kind of affection that we, as social creatures, know. but now you can share in something even more awesome in the spectrum of life.




That was really beautiful.

I think the first loss I experienced was either my grandma or my great-grandpa. I can't remember which came first as they both happened maybe within a year of each other.
#27
My grandfather passed when I was 10. Strange thing is, I never really was close to the guy, he lived with us, he'd babysit us (me and my younger sis) but I never actually talked to him or did "things" with him. He was drunk more than half his life though, so much so that the doctors said if he'd quit drinking his body wouldn't be able to cope with the lack of liquor and possibly to do more harm to him than drinking itself, at least thats what they said when I was a kid. Even so, through it all, the day he died, it hit me so damn hard for whatever reason. I just laid on the couch for about 6-8 hours, with a headache crying, not wanting anything to do with anybody. Then I went to my neighbors house to see if that could cheer me up, sadly it didn't, we were all just sitting around awkwardly silent and I started bursting out in tears again, ran back to my house, I just couldn't handle it, and still to this day I can't say why I reacted the way I did. I just did. I still remember the last conversation he and I had too. (The night before he died)

Frank (my grandfather): You stayin' in the kitchen, if not, I'll turn of the lights
Me: Yea, I'm gonna get something to eat
Frank: Ok, just make sure to turn off the lights
Me: I will
Frank: Alright, goodnight
Me: Goodnight

but the last thing he said to my mom was just so sad, he said, "I'll make the coffee in the morning" unfortunately, he never did. Oh man, this brought a few tears to my eyes. ah...


May your grandfather rest in peace and I'm sorry to hear the unfortunate news man
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Last edited by societies_worm at Jun 11, 2010,
#28
all my grandparents are dead, my dad's father died before I was born. The rest of them lived out their last months in either a nursing home or the hospital. Both of those places are miserable excuses of "homes." I didn't cry or feel that sad at any of the funerals. I dunno, maybe I was never that close to them, they were all too senile by the time I was old enough to appreciate them.

Though I do have a lot of vague memories from my childhood, and I'm glad my mom forced me to spend time with them lol. Anyways, good luck. Old people die, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
#29
Everybody posting in this thread is really helping... I appreciate everyone's sympathies.

lamtehvocalist actually made me laugh, to be quite honest. I do appreciate whoever banned him, though. Primusfan, you have officially become my favorite mod (If that means anything [it probably doesn't]). What you wrote was the absolute most beautiful thing I've ever read. I appreciate it.
KLH & KGB
11/28/09
Last edited by KGB_INC at Jun 11, 2010,
#30
Hey man, i'm sorry, that really sucks to hear and it's making me a little scared about my grandad who doesn't have too long left either. Nothing wrong with letting your emotions go. Ultimately this is going to be a rough time regardless of how you deal with it so just do what feels ok.

First family loss was probably my aunt when I was a few months old but I didn't really know her. Then my mum died when I was three. Ironically, her parents outlived her and her mum's mum outlived both her and her mum and actually is still alive. Very strange, quite sad but.. hm.

Best of luck dealing with your loss.
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#32
Quote by FrustratedRocka
That sucks man. My grandfather died last summer without any warning at all. In a way, you're lucky - at least you got to say goodbye, right?


Indeed. Back in '01 when my grandma died (I was 11), nobody had told me that she was dying (all I knew was that she was in the hospital) and I never even got to say goodbye.

Be strong. My condolences.

#33
Quote by primusfan
everything is matter/energy. that's all the universe is. everything that comprised your grandfather is still here. the next time you see a beautiful sunset with your girlfriend close by and you're overwhelmed by it, your grandfather's there too. some part of him. whether one believes in heaven or not, there's a very real aspect to living forever through nature and through others' memories.


we can get into a philosophical discussion of what it means to be "alive." but as long as you keep your memories of him alive, he's alive too. if you walk outside right now and look at the the night sky, part of your grandfather is literally there with you. and he's also alive in your mind. sure, you can't call him up and go give him a hug. that upsets us because that's the kind of affection that we, as social creatures, know. but now you can share in something even more awesome in the spectrum of life.


That's exactly how I feel, but I always have a hard time explaining it. well put.

TS, I know how you feel right now. My best friend of 15 years and girlfriend of 4 passed away recently. I know how hard it is to lose somebody. I don't really have any advice for how to cope, because I can barely cope myself. All I can say is to stay strong, and read Primus' post.
#34
Grandmother on my fathers side died when I was youngish, about a decade or so ago. She died of cancer. Her husband, my grandfather, had a long and painful death after she died. He broke his hip when he tripped and fell one night, and was found 2 days later by the neighbours when they heard him yelling. He couldn't move for those 2 days. He had 3 types of cancer, for about another 2 years.
I didn't cry when either of them died, mostly because I wasn't that close to them and I didn't really understand the concept of death too well at the time. I've regretted not knowing them since.

A few years ago, my great-grandad died. He was almost 100, and died peacefully in his sleep. Last year, my great-grandma died. She was in her mid-90s. After her husband died, she said that she didn't want to live without him. I also wasn't too close to them, and it's another thing I regret deeply.

In 2005-06, three of my good friends died. One died from a drug overdose/suicide, one was murdered and the other died surfing. I saw my friend murdered, I found the body of my friend that died of a drug overdose, and my friend that died surfing died in Hawaii.

In 2005, I saw a car crash that killed 3 girls. Their car spun out and went under a semi-trailer, and was crushed. I saw one of the girls have her head crushed, as well as seeing the result of the crash.

Late last year, I saw a woman from the street I grew up in die while she was crossing the road. She was decapitated by the impact.

About 8 years ago, my dad went through severe depression. It was hard to watch. At one point, there had to be someone home at all times because he thought that if there wasn't he'd kill himself.
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#35
Quote by primusfan
everything is matter/energy. that's all the universe is. everything that comprised your grandfather is still here. the next time you see a beautiful sunset with your girlfriend close by and you're overwhelmed by it, your grandfather's there too. some part of him. whether one believes in heaven or not, there's a very real aspect to living forever through nature and through others' memories.

your grandfather was a really important person to you, but he's not gone. he didn't live his life in vain. he passed himself onto (hopefully only ) one of your parents who passed part of him onto you. and you'll continue to pass it on just as your grandfather passed on his forefathers.

my grandfather passed about a year and a half ago. i was going to call him to say goodbye after class. during class, in the middle of my presentation my phone started to buzz in my pocket. i knew what it was, but i kept going with the presentation then left the room. found out he had died around the time my class started. i was upset i didn't get to tell him i loved him (we didn't get to see him very much).

but i can guarantee as my grandfather drew his last breath, some afterbirth-ridden newborn down the hall took his first. as tears of sorrow ran down my face, some mother's eyes were full with tears of joy. it's the way of nature. it seems cruel until we get older and gain more experience. by the time we're your grandfather's age it all starts to make sense as we gain wisdom of life and the world around us. that's just the way the darn human comedy keeps perpetuating itself according to a feller i once knew.

we can get into a philosophical discussion of what it means to be "alive." but as long as you keep your memories of him alive, he's alive too. if you walk outside right now and look at the the night sky, part of your grandfather is literally there with you. and he's also alive in your mind. sure, you can't call him up and go give him a hug. that upsets us because that's the kind of affection that we, as social creatures, know. but now you can share in something even more awesome in the spectrum of life.


That's one hell of a touching, beautiful and optimistic view on death. Cheers.

As for myself, I lost my grandfather two years ago and my grandmother recently. In both case, I hadn't seen them in six months when they passed away. My grandfather had gone to Australia for cancer treatment (I lived in New Caledonia at the time), and when he finally returned with almost no hope left I never managed to find the time to visit him. I hated myself for that (I was supposed to finally see him on the very day he died, the irony), even if my family told me the least people saw him in the extremely weakened state he was, the happier he was. I had my final Marketing exam the day of his funeral, and my business school was a bitch so I couldn't even attend it (yeah, that's awful). I managed to get the best mark of my promotion that day and I dedicated it to him, which made me feel a little better.

As for my grandmother, when her husband died, she basically turned into an angry, half-crazy old lady and made a hell of my parent's and family's life. She had a stroke when taking a shower, she lost the ability to walk and started having severe memory losses from this point. She passed away in her sleep two months ago, and I was almost happy for her and for everyone. She deserved it, and I thought it was a beautiful way to be reunited with her husband. I didn't cry this time.

Edit: dann_blood >

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Last edited by Astyan at Jun 11, 2010,
#36
Sorry to hear about that TS, i hope you heal in time


If it makes you feel any better, i didn't really mind when my grandmother passed away
#37
Been there, experienced that.
You will cry yourself dry at the funeral and such and afterwards still feel like total balls and my deepest condolences for then and now but it is not something that is going to eat at you forever because time will be a healer and you will feel next to nothing unless you are specifically reminded of that time.

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Last edited by CaptainBumout at Jun 11, 2010,
#38
Dearest sympathies mate! Hope you feel better about this in time!

Some of these stories are quite moving and depressing. I like primusfan explanation/philopospy, really spiritual man, made me smile.

anyway, my grandad passed away a 4 years back. The funny thing was that 5 mins before my mom told me the news i was walking up my street on the way back from coll thinking "Wow today has been a great day"...irony. When my mom told me I wasnt that upset for some strange reason. I prettended I was for here, which i think she saw through, but i wasnt upset about it till the day of the funneral. Maybe i had so much of a good day when i was told that i didnt feel to bad about it, or maybe because he was ill for so long i knew the inevitable would happen and i was ready. The day of the funneral, when i saw the coffin and was in the church twas very upsetting, guess its the realisation it was real or something. Anyhoo, Im over it now really, hes dead and i still remain, but I still think about him from time to time. Even when frank sinatra comes on. The only sad thing now is that my younger cousins (ages 4-6) will never know him like I knew him when i was their age. They will always remember him as the bedbound sick old man rather the man with spring in his step.

My other grandfather passed away when I was 2 months old so I never knew him. Only have 2 or 3 pictures about of him holding me. Would have been nice to know him. I talked to my nan about it shortly after my other grandfathers death and she said I would have got along brilliantly with him. She said the first year is the worst but after that you start to move on and feel better.
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#39
Aww, dude, I'm so sorry to hear that

Losing a loved one is never easy, but I personally think the connection to a guy's grandpa is always a special one, and I'm very sorry to hear you lost him.

I've lost alot of family, and the sad part is, I've always been unable to attend their funerals, because my family lives in the US and I'm in Germany. But I still pray for them every night, and I truly believe that at some time, somehow, we'll meet again.

EDIT: also, primusfan... goddamn, you just won this thread and every thread ever made.
Last edited by CoreysMonster at Jun 11, 2010,
#40
Quote by CoreysMonster

Losing a loved one is never easy, but I personally think the connection to a guy's grandpa is always a special one.


I started thinking about that after I posted. Maybe because they are like a second family. My dad and mom always worked alot full time when i was young so i was often at my nan and grandads house. A few fond memorys of when i was 3-9 involve one of the or the other. My grandad taught me a few things my dad didnt, like how to play football.
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