#1
"I Don't mind if you use my toothbrush. I know exactly where your mouth has been"
Is the most romantic thing you have ever said to me.
No grinning soft focus screenwritten kisses
up stretched arms, no expense spent on gift bedazzled wrists,
Just Pissed up trysts and sweat sheets gripped in clenched fists.
I've cancelled far too many candle lit dinners,
for lipstick smeared skin and rutting like sinners
we dont need lamb noisettes and coquettish affects
if we stick with the greege and the dragon cabernet
we'll still merge into one sillouette on a background of rich purple blue and gigantic white moon.
in one of those serene storm eye movie scenes that are always over far too soon
banished with the others to the floor of the cutting room
because they mess with the pace and space of your otherwise flawless life story.
I have to say, Your performance is always impeccable,
But sometimes i think you could do a lot, lot more.

For one reason or another, everyone's a critic.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#2
I thought that was amazing

I loved this bit especially

Quote by FunkasPunk
No grinning soft focus screenwritten kisses
up stretched arms, no expense spent on gift bedazzled wrists,
Just Pissed up trysts and sweat sheets gripped in clenched fists.


I thought it was superb.

Could you possibly take a quick look at one of mine ? Both are in my sig: 'Empire' and 'Numinous'. I dont mind which one Im sure there nothing on this. Possibly my favourite one I've seen on here.
#3
There's a build up of tension in this little poem that works so well. It's not just the tension between him and her, but the tension created through the words and the tone, speaking to her, but then actually speaking to the reader through this. It goes to show a certain distance created between the speaker, the addressee and the reader, making trust a very fragile element, in the content as well as in the way the piece is worded.

I just thought this was so well crafted and enjoyed the atmosphere you created. The last line was great and was executed so well.
#5
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
lol. this is superb... do i detect a hint of TFOT influence???? i dunno... could be just me... but these are good... if you could sort out a structure and fix up a chorus, i would jizz in my pants to hear it :P
#6
as mentioned before, the tension and spark in the words, the beautiful build-up and pressure of flow, all work so well in this in getting that dissatisifed feeling down pat. it's as if the physical satisfaction described in the piece contrasts starkly with the actual words, the images battling the rhythm...

so good to read. best thing I've read in a while.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
certainly didnt expect wotw. cheers.

thank you all for reading. i'm glad you guys enjoyed it.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------