#1
I’ll close my eyes, and
Paint a picture in my mind…
A vision of beauty beyond words…

A perfect picture,
For your pathetic eyes…
This will be the last time I try…

I’ll make a wish upon your star,
I’ll wish that it was true…
I cannot believe a word you say,
You said you loved me, and now were through.

I thought we’d be forever,
I didn’t think you’d break my heart,
I believed we’d be together,
‘Til death do us part…

Take your words, and
Write down your lies…
A story of heartache and pain…

A hundred times, I
Tried to get through to you…
But your ignorance was in the way…

I’ll make a wish upon your star,
I’ll wish that it was true…
I cannot believe a word you say,
You said you loved me, and now were through.

I thought we’d be forever,
I didn’t think you’d break my heart,
I believed we’d be together,
‘Til death do us part…

A flawless lie, so imperfect,
You know your right from wrong,
But you never seem to follow…
You get away with the worst of crimes,
But I won’t let you, no,
I won’t let you walk all over me…

*solo*

I’ll make a wish upon your star,
I’ll wish that it was true…
I cannot believe a word you say,
You said you loved me, and now were through.

I thought we’d be forever,
I didn’t think you’d break my heart,
I believed we’d be together,
‘Til death do us part…

‘Til death do us part…
(Until death do us part,
I thought I’d have your heart,)
‘Til death do us part…
Until the end…


I wrote this song a while back, so i just thought is post it up here, get some feedback.
There isn't any music to this yet, but I'll make some eventually.
#7
Very good lyric. Easy to follow. Even more important, each line makes the listener want to know what the next line will say. That's effective writing! Powerfully good for you and your work. I see where you may need to make minor adjustments when you create the music. But that is normal. In the end, your solo may or may not be where it is. And/or you may end up with more than one solo. Some of that would depend on the tempo. I definitely see this as some kind of Indy, Rock or metal song. Over all, I really like it. And for now I wouldn't change a thing.

Take care,
jodyW
Last edited by jodyWayne at Jun 12, 2010,
#8
Hey, sorry it took me so long to crit back. anyways after giving this a read i found that it was good, but i also found that it is cliche in a few spots. stuff like "you said you loved me, now were through" "i thought we'd before ever.." all in all it was good, just reminded me a bit too much of The Cure. however this line "A perfect picture,For your pathetic eyes…" was great and is really what made me like the piece, keep up the good work. cheers
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#9
This is a lot stronger than the other piece of yours that I looked at. Only a few minor complaints with this one;

The first two stanzas are so much more powerful than the rest of the song. It kind of goes downhill from there. It doesn't ever get bad, per se, but it also doesn't live up to the way it started, and the way it started was brilliant.

I really don't like the line "You said you loved me, and now we're through." You might want to think about changing that.

But as the guy above me said, "A perfect picture for your pathetic eyes" is awesome. I like that.

Keep it up. You have a lot of potential. I just think you need to find something that really inspires you and brings that potential out of you. Later.
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.