#1
Hey

More random word doodles


Sunset

A collage of colours,
Red through to gold,
pass over the pastured,
Green fields.
The round globule of
vivid radiance,
dissipates at the seams,
it seems to weep
golden tears.
For happiness, or
for the world that
has neglected
this luminous
saviour, the earth's
grace. Our Phosphorescent
idol. How many eyes
must have gazed upon
a scene so beautiful. Wont
you come out and watch
the sunset?

The only word I'm not sure about is 'Globule' :| It sounded good when I wrote it yesterday, but I hate it now
#3
the first four lines really flow excellently, really nice to read.
then i thought it hit a bit of a rough patch. globule may have probably been the wrong word choice in amongst all those other sounds. The whole middle section seemed a bit wordy and stretched out in amongst the nice tight little opening and finishing lines. i think its all the line breaks. makes run on lines harder to take in the meaning of when theres so many breaks.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#4
Yeah, I'm definately changing globule Any ideas for replacements ? The person above suggested 'Sphere' but I cant say the round sphere, as I'm just saying pretty much the same thing. I used enjamberement (Run on lines) to recreate a story effect, but I see what you're saying, extend some of the lines.

Thanks
#5
no, im saying the opposite really.
I thought the beginning and end were nice and compact and got your point of view across well, but i lost it in the middle. Everything after the first sentance got a bit convoluted and the metaphors are all over the place. The run ons make it even more difficult to follow.
you pull it back and get back on point for the last four lines though. Its a nice little piece overall, but i think it could maybe benefit from a little streamlining.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------