#1
*Verse*
Sitting all alone in this
shit-hole called home,
listening to my girlfriend
crying to me on the phone,

Her daddys been abusing her
and mum's being a wh0r3,
She asks "is life really worth living?"
"if so whats it for?"

*Chorus*
When the truth goes running
and it's faster than it seems,
make sure you keep on running
running home to me,

And when the light seems
further than it should be,
make sure you keep on running
home to me,

*Verse*
Trying to suss out
the wrongs from right,
and blatantly keeping out
of your dads sight,

You run for cover
and keep your head down,
he finds her hiding under the covers,
and whispers "don't make a sound"

*Chorus*
When the truth goes running
and it's faster than it seems,
make sure you keep on running
running home to me,

And when the light seems
further than it should be,
make sure you keep on running
home to me,

*Solo - Fade-out*

In this song, I wrote it in two ways, the boy-friends understanding of what happened and what actually happened to the girl.

My understanding of the song is that when a guy has a girl-friend he wants to protect her from all the horrible things that may happen to her.
But he actually starts thinking of the worst thing that could happen to her from what she has told him...

*All Comments and Constructive Criticism Welcome*

Cheers,
TheAscendant

P.S. Didnt mean to offend anyone with the word wh0r3...
Last edited by TheAscendant at Jun 12, 2010,
#3
The only thing I would critique just on form (I don't want to get into meaning and all that, I don't like critiquing that stuff), is in this passage:

You run for cover
and keep your head down,
he finds her hiding under the covers,
and whispers "don't make a sound"

In the third line it changes perspective, and I almost feel like it should change tense to read:

You run for cover
and keep your head down
he'll find you hiding under the covers
and whisper, "Don't make a sound."

This way there's no jump in perspective, but the message is still coming across clearly.

Then again, I could be full of crap.
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#4
Quote by schmidty3000
The only thing I would critique just on form (I don't want to get into meaning and all that, I don't like critiquing that stuff), is in this passage:

You run for cover
and keep your head down,
he finds her hiding under the covers,
and whispers "don't make a sound"

In the third line it changes perspective, and I almost feel like it should change tense to read:

You run for cover
and keep your head down
he'll find you hiding under the covers
and whisper, "Don't make a sound."

This way there's no jump in perspective, but the message is still coming across clearly.

Then again, I could be full of crap.


I do agree with what you said about perspective.

To the OP, I really enjoy the chorus, in particular the first 4 lines. If you're putting this to music you'd have one hell of a tune with a catchy melody.
#5
You run for cover
and keep your head down
he'll find you hiding under the covers
and whisper, "Don't make a sound."....

this verse is much better verse, thanks for the critique,
i've been on the edge about that verse because i think
i could of either made it sound real good or real bad
but thakns for the help anyway...

Cheers,
TheAscendant 8)
#6
This is great. I can here it being sung as I read it, and that says a lot. You seem to have a good grasp of writing what will play well with an audience and really grasp their emotions. Well, now I feel it a cheap shot to ask you to crit anything of mine. If you still want to, check out the link below.

PINO
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=24202804#post24202804