#1
I am trying to write a song about The Bloody Benders that mass murdered people in a town near where I live a long time ago who were lured in by the beautiful daughter kate. Anyway this is what I have so far please let me know if its even worth bothering with if not I'll completely restart. Oh ya its gonna be a deathcore song I think.

Her beauty lures her prey
with the miasma of plague
she moves and hypnotizes
with the grace of a snake
with precision she strikes
cut their throats with a knife!
welcome to the wayside!

She sleeps upon the bones
of those that she greets
She feeds upon the souls
of those she controls
your wealth she smells
your corpse it swells
welcome to the wayside!

bludgeoned and broken! (x3)

stripped in the cellar of
life and possession
In the orchard they sleep
restless in their graves
with vehemence they wait
demanding restitution
for the price that was paid
Last edited by Johnikker at Jun 16, 2010,
#2
Long time no see, man.

Quote by Johnikker


Her beauty lures her prey
with the miasma of plague

'Miasma of Plague' sounds like a good -core album title. My first thought. The prey/plague internal rhyme is close enough to capitalize on the repetition of the sound.

she moves and hypnotizes
with the grace of a snake

Nice imagery.

with precision she strikes
cut their throats with a knife!
welcome to the wayside!

I dunno. Just on the page it's bland, but sung I think it'd be pretty cool.

She sleeps upon the bones
of those that she greets
She feeds upon the souls
of those she controls
your wealth she smells
your corpse it swells
welcome to the wayside!

I like the rhyme scheme, ABCCDDE. Feels fresh, I don't hear that much in music. The internal 'o' in "bones/souls" is subtle but still effective.

Line 9 skews the cadence a bit. I think it's the use of "that" is what's bumping it in the read, but stressing certain parts while singing it will probably even it out.


bludgeoned and broken! (x3)

breakdown here?


stripped in the cellar of
life and possession
In the orchard they sleep
restless in their graves
with vehemence they wait
demanding restitution
for the price that was paid

There are a few words here that really stick out as interesting choices. 'Cellar', 'orchard', and 'vehemence' are critical here - they paint a very specific feel on top of the actual content.

The line "Restless in their graves" is rhythmically dissonant. In pure text, it's hard to read, but I think with some careful riffing/palm muting and such it would be appropriate.



Reminiscent of Dying Fetus' One Shot, One Kill, without sounding like a fanboy song. I think the song you did about the puppets (pulling a blank on the title, pfft on me) was better, but this is pretty good.
Quote by Skibolky
No one can really fuck with the power of empathy.
#3
Thanks bro I appreciate the input. I am not finished I am going to do a few more verses, and ya the song "Necromantic Romance" I did is better but its hard for me to match that but I am trying. I am wanting to elaborate on the actual victims who where buried in an apple orchard, I'm thinking of actually calling this song Kate's Corpse Orchard, better title?
#4
Kate's Corpse Orchard would probably be better as a song title. More deathy, if that makes any sense, and the song's just as much about the history as it is Kate Bender herself. I wouldn't want to force the song into an early hole by suggesting it's entirely about Bender, when the whole song's lyrically more interesting.

Also, 'tis a cool story. I had to look it up, but it was worth it.
Quote by Skibolky
No one can really fuck with the power of empathy.
#5
They where twisted huh? Kate is the most interesting character, but I see what you mean about focusing too much on her.