#1
an expanse of road that miles goes
for a forever, for a state or two
alongside dotted i miss yous and crows crowing,
whisp'ring
here is the way to down
here is a push
to the back
of the eyes
blown to your mind
and i was from it.
into every never always went always doubts
and always fears of mine, coming just
out now, out into the open
crushed and dragged off into
someplace where dead truths die,
into a cemetery undug where once
we ran and spun around and looked
at the todying sun
wished it well to be here tomorrow
where they're buried.

an ode
here on the roof of my mouth is
to being cut in line by everything,


[even the shadows in the creases of your mind]
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Jun 15, 2010,
#2
the flow of this is damn impressive, aaron. seriously. I am quite pleased to see this; it's new from you.

I don't like the brackets at the end. I don't like 'whisp'ring'. 'blown to your mind' sounds too familiar to 'blow your mind' which doesn't fit the mood. The rest is jumbled in an enjoyable way.


I reaaallllyyy like it babe
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#3
I made it to whisp'ring before i got lost.
what little imagery you've used comes across nice and strong, but then that vanished in the middle and the wording got too convoluted for me to follow.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#4
I fall between the sentiments above.
The grammar play is creative and interesting, yet confusing and hard to follow.
I like it, but I don't like it at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it, I guess.
#5
Thanks guys. You'll all be gotten back to.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black