#1
Lookin for your guys thoughts on this song I'm currently working on. The title is just until I can think of a better one and there is currently no chorus.

Any suggestions for improving what I got so far?

Woke Up
Got out of bed
Lit a cigarette
Crawled back to bed
Been Breathing to easy
Outrunning my dreams
Now I'll see the faces
When I stop. splutter. and wheeze

Night crawls away
Never leaves my mindset
I'll sleep in the shadows
The suns not gone yet
Me and him we don't see eye to eye
We used to before
Then I went blind or (He made me blind)

You can sell it to me
but you can't come in
I'm not one for pity
Just affordable sins
Don't wipe your feet
Your friend is not welcome
Just take what you need
Then you can be on your way

Collapse in a corner
Fall asleep in the dirt
I don't need a reason
I never got hurt
No woman, no ills
Not sick need no pills
Just shattered and broken
By words left unspoken
No tears in my eyes
Its just this lack of sleep makes them dry
#2
There are some points where it's hard to see how the lyrics would fit a song... then again I haven't the faintest idea what the song sounds like so it may well be fine.
Maybe look over the first verse too, there are some parts that I think could be better worded - such as "Crawled back to bed" which you could maybe put "Retreat between the sheets".
Still, I'm certainly no expert in writing lyrics and the lyrics may well suit the song as they are.
Now I'm walking the empty solemn streets
Casting down the shadows of my defeat
You look at me as if I'm throwing my life away
Well I'll tell you now, I'm not a fucking hyperbole.

Honey
#3
um make a video of you playing guitar while singing it
and u should probably shorten it or bring together a few things
unless its like an uptempo song
like ur first verse i would make something like this:

Woke Up, Got out of bed,
Lit a cigarette
Crawled back to bed
Night crawls away
Never leaves my mindset
I'll sleep in the shadows
The suns not gone yet

i would kinda join together everything instead of spreading it out
cuz it seems like youve spread the song so thin that u cant put background music to it
im not saying like copy and paste what i typed (please dont its god awful, just an example lol. they dont mix together right...idk)
seriously though this song is wayy deep
i love it
if u finish it would u mind if i did a cover of it?
#4
Cheers for the crit guys.

Its a decently uptempo song. If I get some chords to work with it I'll post some sort of recording but I haven't really got anything much yet. Its most likely be some chords based around Em and Am.

I'll be working on it over the next few days so if I get more I'll post it up. Yeah there'd be no problem coverin it at all if you want to or if u have ideas for a version of it I'd love to hear them.