#1
Crit4Crit
If someone could help me sort this out, I'd really appreciate it.

Singing a song
A sweet melody
Its not sung in tune
And its never in key

Singing a song
Just want to be heard
Want to be this creative songwriter
Who writes his own words

Oh darlin,
if you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

But if you would just
Hold me tight
I’ll keep singing now
And all through this week
I’m a shepherd on my farm
I’ll keep herding my sheep

Feels that I’m both
The shepherd and the sheep
Herd my thoughts forever
So I can finally sleep

When everything is so predictable
You’ve got to take a chance
You could take the world as is
I need a second glance
I never know what’s right
Or whatever I should do
I keep amusing myself
You probably should too

Oh darlin,
if you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

I could use a metaphor
Its hot out in the sand
No need for that
I’ll be blunt
cuz I just want to
hold your hand

Oh darlin,
if you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Do I want to hold your hand,
or do I just want a hand to hold
I question myself often
I keep saying these same things
and suddenly
I'm sold

Oh darlin,
if you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me
Last edited by JacKofAces91 at Jun 15, 2010,
#2
Any parts in particular that you're unsure about?
Now I'm walking the empty solemn streets
Casting down the shadows of my defeat
You look at me as if I'm throwing my life away
Well I'll tell you now, I'm not a fucking hyperbole.

Honey
#3
I liked it. A nice light hearted song, which I could imagine acoustic underneath. I don't know if thats what your goin for, but from the looks of it, it seems to either be an indie or a folk song The only part I'm not sure off is this from the 3rd verse.

I’m a shepherd on my farm
I’ll keep herding my sheep

It doesn't seem to be needed as you go on to mention the shepards and sheep in the next verse. Apart from that its all superb Keep it up
#4
ummm
i fell in love with this song
but ya i agree, get rid of the sheep herd part in the 34d verse

oh and i kinda got some chords to go with it (i was THAT in love with it)
capo on fourth fret
verses: C Amin F(XX3211) G
chorus: ok i dont no the name of the second chord i used so i just give the little tab thingy
F(same F used abovve) then XX3213 then F again then G

if u wouldnt mind, icould make a vid of me playing this song
it sounds REALLY GOOD
#5
You've got a lot of unoriginal imagery here, reads like the lyrics to an Owl City song.
You were careful to keep everything generic and applicable to as many situations as possible. This works for writing code, but for songs, try to tighten it down a bit. Don't worry about people connecting with it, they'll find their way in.
A general guideline I like to use is: don't write about how your heart feels, write something that makes me, your audience feel how your heart feels.
#6
Fenhemn: I like a lot of the different parts that I wrote in this. I was just very unsure whether any of it went together at all. I really want it to flow from one part to the next.

Ultrasonic: You seem to know exactly what I was going for with the folk indie rock : ) Makes me really excited that someone could catch on. I'll definitely change that verse around too.

Zero: Thanks so much for the positive comment. I'd love to hear your video, but I'm going to write my own music first, just so I can write original music to it.

Greyeyedfire: I agree that I could work to make the lyrics a bit more original. I'm just starting to write, but I am working on that a lot. Eventually, I'd really like to have more complex and not so cliche lyrics, but right now I'm just trying to put a song together. I would love it if you could tell me a little more about how to do that.

Thanks for the comments!
#7
Practice
Writing's just something you have to learn the hard way, so the more you write, the better.

Try exercising. Come up with a goal, or some simple idea to express, then write the hell out of it. For example, write about your pen. But don't just say "I have this pen", or "My pen is black". Get fancy with it. Make everyone believe your pen is the best in the world. Go ahead, make them all jealous. All the fancy word play like rhythm counting, rhyming, meter, etc comes later
#8
If you have a lyric in your head, close your eyes and see it. Cut words out, add words in, superlatives, imagery.. create something with it don't just write it down as you think of it. Very often the first lyric that comes into your head will be influenced by some external thought so you have to close your head and make it your own and then it'll become deeper and more meaningful
#9
^
he knows what hes talking about
what i do is i think of like one line and i build up a story to fit that whole line in my head
then i write down what i feel and what i c
idk
but this is how elton john made his song rocket man
he was in a taxi and thought ,"she packed my bags last night, preflight. zero hour, 9 am."
then he went home and wrote the whole song
#10
I don't want to start a new thread, so I'm going to post my revisions in this one. I feel I've come a long way since this songs starting point.

Any comments are still very much appreciated and I would be more than happy to comment on someone else's piece in exchange


Singing a song
A sweet melody
Its not sung in tune
And its never in key

Singing a song
I want to be heard
Want to be this songwriter who...
writes his own words

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

I dream of you
Laying next to me
As our bodies become
One entity

Your hand in mine
As we dive
Into the waters
Of my dreams

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

If you would just
Hold me tight
I’ll keep singing now
And all through the week

Feels as though I’m both
I’m the shepherd and the sheep
Herd my thoughts forever
So I can finally sleep

When everything is so predictable
You need somewhere to hide
Frustration that’s inside
When you’re the one who
puts that smile on my face

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing

I want you
Get closer to me
#11
YAY! FULL CRIT!

Firstly, I'm not that good myself, so forgive me if anything (or indeed everything) I say is wrong.

Secondly, I'm gonna include a few tips. Mostly from a songwriting book.

Because I applaud your efforts in revising lyrics and bettering your style.

Quote by JacKofAces91
)

Singing a song
A sweet melody
Its not sung in tune
And its never in key

Pretty generic opening. A bit too cliched for my liking, but whatever works. At this point you can still rely on the instruments to carry the song forward.

Singing a song
I want to be heard
Want to be this songwriter who...
writes his own words

Again, pretty generic and cliched. It's at this point where, looking at your lyrics alone, people aren't holding much hope for the rest of the song.

A good point to note is that by this point you should have a line that catches people's attention, generating interest in them hearing the rest of the song.


Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Simple, elegant, memorable chorus. Nice. Maybe swap around the words the 2nd time to make it more interesting?

I dream of you
Laying next to me
As our bodies become
One entity

"as our bodies become/one entity" reads weird...

Your hand in mine
As we dive
Into the waters
Of my dreams

I like the imagery here. Personal fave stanza. Waters of my dreams just seem poetic to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Same as above chorus.

If you would just
Hold me tight
I’ll keep singing now
And all through the week

I'm guessing this is a transition into the bridge, but that would make your song formatted ABABACB... It's an interesting format, and another stand-out point. Just be wary of overdoing this in your future songs, otherwise you'll get pigeon-holed.

Feels as though I’m both
I’m the shepherd and the sheep
Herd my thoughts forever
So I can finally sleep

Another stanza with wonderful imagery. Nothing to say here.

When everything is so predictable
You need somewhere to hide
Frustration that’s inside
When you’re the one who
puts that smile on my face

the only thing i can recommend here is to use "everything's" instead of "everything is".

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing

I want you
Get closer to me

Nice, simple ending, a great way to close off a song.


Overall, I felt that it's a good song. Maybe a bit simplistic, but that's okay. You might want to rely on more than just rhyming words together to make your lyrics and tune more interesting.

Read more poetry, that will help you get a better feel for non-rhyme based lyrics. A good example that comes to mind would be "jabberwocky", if you haven't read that already. Nonsense words, but you'll notice that most of it works without rhyming.

And keep writing!!! That's the most important thing of all.

Cheers!

P.S, again, I apologize to everyone else for anything written wrongly. Ironically, a crit on my crit is always welcome. :P
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#12
Quote by JacKofAces91
I don't want to start a new thread, so I'm going to post my revisions in this one. I feel I've come a long way since this songs starting point.

Any comments are still very much appreciated and I would be more than happy to comment on someone else's piece in exchange

It's best to just revise the OP with the new revisions.

Quote by JacKofAces91

Singing a song
A sweet melody
Its not sung in tune
And its never in key

Singing a song
I want to be heard
Want to be this songwriter who...
writes his own words
The line "writes his own words" seems like a bit of a letdown here; however, I like everything else so far.

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me
Doesn't feel like that strong of a chorus to me...

I dream of you
Laying next to me
As our bodies become
One entity

Your hand in mine
As we dive
Into the waters
Of my dreams
I belive the word you need to end the second line with is "careen".

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

If you would just
Hold me tight
I’ll keep singing now
And all through the week

Feels as though I’m both
I’m the shepherd and the sheep
Herd my thoughts forever
So I can finally sleep
This stanza feels awkward to me; it doesn't flow so well.

When everything is so predictable
You need somewhere to hide
Frustration that’s inside
When you’re the one who
puts that smile on my face
I like the firs two lines, but the last three feel empty and useless here.

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing
I want to see you
Get closer to me

Oh Darlin
If you want me to sing

I want you
Get closer to me


I feel like you have potential; I love the first two stanzas. However, after that, you really don't say much; you don't convey anything powerful or intricate, or even interesting.


C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1331420
#13
I'd say trust your reader more. Go through your piece being especially weary of repetition or explanation. Details are important in poetry, but can work against the poem when they're too descriptive, this being especially true for a song (in my opinion anyway).

the other thing I would give a quick look at is your transitions. you might want to get some kind of "event" going on in the song, no need to go all story tell-y, but something like a run on metaphor that the reader can navigate around.

I don't know if that was helpful to you or if it's that kind of advice that you were looking for, but that was my two cents anyway

peace.
#14
I think the first version was more contigious and read well. The second wone surely outlines more specific context and meaning, but the verses became too far from one another in my opinion. Feels like the song is a set of verses instead of being one single descriptive progresson.
But the overall feel is nice - it kinda catches.

Cheers. Ace.

P.S. My thread.