#1
He's got an SLR and it's slung around his neck.
Sepia snaps of mortar walls weren't art last time I checked.
And the impression that I get as he stubs his cigarette,
Is that he's the one, who hides his gun
Then from nowhere screams, "Get set -"

Go to your people, tell them how you're equal
While the cuff of your leather jacket is dripping in their sweat.
You'll steal all their rewards, then have them kiss you sword.
Know that this is as close to a god as a man could ever get.

Take a picture, take a picture
Now hold it to the light
His denim jeans with white worn seams weren't that torn last night
Take a picture, take a picture
Now hold it to the light
His denim jeans with white worn seams
Show you more than a portrait ever could


Needs several more verses, and constructive criticism I can take on board as I write them?



Originally posted by Lorddrg7
If crap came in a package, it would probably be wrapped in this
#2
Quote by Bidinski
He's got an SLR and it's slung around his neck.
Sepia snaps of mortar walls weren't art last time I checked.
And the impression that I get as he stubs his cigarette,
Is that he's the one, who hides his gun
Then from nowhere screams, "Get set -"

Doesn't look like it would but this actually flows pretty well.

Go to your people, tell them how you're equal
While the cuff of your leather jacket is dripping in their sweat.
You'll steal all their rewards, then have them kiss you sword.
Know that this is as close to a god as a man could ever get.


I really like this part although the second line seems a bit out of place. The last two lines are great!

Take a picture, take a picture
Now hold it to the light
His denim jeans with white worn seams weren't that torn last night
Take a picture, take a picture
Now hold it to the light
His denim jeans with white worn seams
Show you more than a portrait ever could


The last two lines didn't really do it for me. I like the premise but the flow wasn't really there.

Needs several more verses, and constructive criticism I can take on board as I write them?


Overall it was a pretty good read. Somethings that didn't really flow too well but wouldn't mind reading the rest of it once you get it written down!
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -