#1
Hey, I wrote this song the other night. I cannot write lyrics, this is the first song i've finished and done in one sitting and the first that hasn't been complete shit. I'd like someone to critique this for me, and let me know how I can improve.

I'm not really happy with the first verse. The 2nd verse and bridge i'm not too worried about, i'd like to improve the chorus if possible but I don't have any ideas for it.

VERSE 1

It's only been two days since i met you
Now you're gone,
And I already feel alone

Nothing seems the same without you
I'm living life in black and white
Compared to what it was that night

CHORUS

Flashes of memory glitter
Like diamonds in my head
But it all slips away
Until there's nothing left

VERSE 2

As everyone falls down around me
We keep spinning
You've got me bouncing off the walls

And as this place breathes in my life
All i can do
Is nod my head and keep in time

CHORUS

Flashes of memory glitter
Like diamonds in my head
But it all slips away
Until there's nothing left

BRIDGE

The music stutters, but the sound
It keeps me sane
As everybody, around me, fades away

And all i can do
Is slowly drift away
As the madness, creeps into my brain


Also, well done to anybody who can work out what it's about.

Thanks.
Last edited by NOSPI at Jun 16, 2010,
#2
im gunnuh take a stab at shrooms XD

as for the song - keeping the verses roughly the same amount of syllables makes both writing a tune and vocalising a song so much easyer - the second verse looks good but the second line doesn't fit with the profile of the others same with the last one - though if thats in a bridge you may be able to tweak around with it.

i agree the first verse is not right - it doesn't flow as well as the others - perhapse if you used the black and white line as the opener and moved on from that like: -

I'm living life in black and white
in a dream
waiting for you to come back again

nothing seems the same without you
now your gone
can't you walk back through the door

obv im not sure where the songs coming from so it may not fit your idea perfectly and im not the greatest writer either but i hope something i've said helps
That Mad English Child 0.o
Gear: -
Fender Stratocaster
Les Paul custom
Washburn Force 4
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