#1
Hey

Half a song here Not sure if I should continue, so I posted here to get some feedback. If theres one thing i've learnt from this, it's that I write far too much crap, and not enough 'good' songs and poetry.

Probably because of my decision to try and write at least one poem or song a day, which I've kept to, but some haven't been that good. Oh well, eventually i'll get the hang of it, I suppose


She Changes Like The Seasons

A constant rotation of personalities
A constant cycle, from winter to spring,
from summer to autumn, you dont understand
I dont know you any more, your like a foreign land.

A flame under water, a light in the dark
your impenetrable, like a tree, an outer shell of bark
One minute your red and the next your blue
it pains me to see your not the same old you.

She changes like the seasons
she's only here, once a year.
It makes me cry, when the old you dies,
I guess its just that time, my dear.
#2
Your poem serves your rhyme scheme; not your rhyme scheme the poem. Many of your rhymes and mataphors are forced: "like a tree, an outer shell of bark". You seem to have utilized a weak metaphor because it fitted the scheme which -- strangely -- constantly changes from stanza to stanza -- robbing it of any meaningful rhythm.

If must use rhyme, study and master it, along with metre. You seem to be using poetic techiques aimlessly.

That being said, it is not "bad" -- merely amateur; a sickness that can be redemedied by study.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1327084
C4C