#1
Wouldn't flow as a song very well but for the time being it is just something I wrote long ago that I now picked up on.


The eye weighed heavy on the feeble frames.
Her lashes stroked the lens,
left-right, up-down. Meager black streaks.
Deep canals rode from nose to mouth,
drawing mirrored grins.
Cheap rouge asphyxiated her pout in to a cloud of red.
A once young facial expression had melted in to a sack,
staggering beneath the chin.
Lethargic breaths of booze sucked at her face.
While her arm staggers to brush the peeling rust,
a crow lands by the leg of the bench.
A sharp and angry pain pulled at her old whiskers
turning the pout in to a sneer.
A force pushed the crow aside.
The woman returned now poised but melted against the seat still.
#2
Quote by pinnedback
Wouldn't flow as a song very well but for the time being it is just something I wrote long ago that I now picked up on.


The eye weighed heavy on the feeble frames.
Her lashes stroked the lens,
left-right, up-down. Meager black streaks.
I think it should be meagre? And I didn't like this line really.. doesn't really make sense the imagery of the eyelashes isn't very believable*
Deep canals rode from nose to mouth,
drawing mirrored grins.
Cheap rouge asphyxiated her pout in to a cloud of red.
A once young facial expression had melted in to a sack,
*Eugh i'd definitely change the last part sack just isn't the right word.. maybe "A once young visage turned wrinkled and slack" I dunno but change it please :L*
staggering beneath the chin.
Lethargic breaths of booze sucked at her face.
*I'd do something to change this verse a bit just doesn't flow well*
While her arm staggers to brush the peeling rust,
a crow lands by the leg of the bench.
A sharp and angry pain pulled at her old whiskers
turning the pout in to a sneer.
A force pushed the crow aside.
The woman returned now poised but melted against the seat still.
*These last six lines are fantastic I loved them*


All in all, not a bad effort, if you tweak the first half a bit to make it as good as that last 6 lines it'd be a great piece!
#3
Quote by pinnedback
Wouldn't flow as a song very well but for the time being it is just something I wrote long ago that I now picked up on.


The eye weighed heavy on the feeble frames.
Her lashes stroked the lens,
So far so good
left-right, up-down. Meager black streaks.
Not a fan of this line. It just seems like it doesn't... belong.
Deep canals rode from nose to mouth,
drawing mirrored grins.
Cheap rouge asphyxiated her pout in to a cloud of red.
A once young facial expression had melted in to a sack,
staggering beneath the chin.
Lethargic breaths of booze sucked at her face.
While her arm staggers to brush the peeling rust, Liking this line!
a crow lands by the leg of the bench.
A sharp and angry pain pulled at her old whiskers
turning the pout in to a sneer.
A force pushed the crow aside.
The woman returned now poised but melted against the seat still.

I agree with the above comments. Liking the last part of the writing


Starting from "left-right, up-down..." until "...booze sucked at her face" just doesn't seem to... flow [?] to me. Not just the flow of reading but the actual words behind it. But that's just me.

But that start and the end, I wouldn't change a thing!
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
#4
Thank you both for your feedback! I will reconsider the edits and tweak it a bit more. I do agree with it now flowing in some places.
#5
Keep in mind that with poetry, you have to make the words you use really count... in such a small space, you have no room to be verbose. Pick images that you really think are key and work on those. Be concise and particular. Allow your pieces to breathe. What I found with this was a lot of good thought jumbled in with a lack of focus; I couldn't appreciate what you gave me to see because there was too much to concentrate on with too little content.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Quote by vintage x metal
Keep in mind that with poetry, you have to make the words you use really count... in such a small space, you have no room to be verbose. Pick images that you really think are key and work on those. Be concise and particular. Allow your pieces to breathe. What I found with this was a lot of good thought jumbled in with a lack of focus; I couldn't appreciate what you gave me to see because there was too much to concentrate on with too little content.


Good advice, I understand what you're saying. I think about that often actually. I actually prefer picking one little image and pulling it out into one big stretch of description but it seems most are bored with reading that, because it's so repetitive in it's own way...

I'm going to try a new piece sometime soon and exercise the advice you've given. Thanks for the feedback, Saadia.
#7
Reading this over with what you told me today in mind, I think the last six lines were more successful because they present a very immediate action (due to sentence structure and the more restrained use of words) while the first nine were very just verbose description. Like Saadia said, I think the description would work so much better if you pared down the language and focused on the images instead. Aside from that, I think it might help this to introduce the scene along with the woman. I didn't know there was a bench until the crow landed next to it, and I still wasn't sure she was sitting on it at that point. I realize this isn't really a narrative but it would help to have a better sense of setting for the action.
#8
Quote by brokencoastline
Reading this over with what you told me today in mind, I think the last six lines were more successful because they present a very immediate action (due to sentence structure and the more restrained use of words) while the first nine were very just verbose description. Like Saadia said, I think the description would work so much better if you pared down the language and focused on the images instead. Aside from that, I think it might help this to introduce the scene along with the woman. I didn't know there was a bench until the crow landed next to it, and I still wasn't sure she was sitting on it at that point. I realize this isn't really a narrative but it would help to have a better sense of setting for the action.


Yes, and there was supposed to be something entirely different for the last six lines because I picked up on this so late... but I ended up putting it in there. As I wrote the line I realized I hadn't mentioned it before and that it would seem very random.