#1
flooding the basement with napkins,
numbers drawn onto them with
smudged lipstick from girls trying to
be women trying to be girls,
I sought out redemption in a late night call.
The ivory handle of the phone looked like a brother
to the yellowing walls that it encompassed.
I put the phone to my face,
the ivory finding safety in numbers
with my slowly rotting cigarette teeth.
I look to my right and see an aptly placed
"Home Sweet Home", that sweetness
has been rotting my canines and molars.
I hear two trills and then a click,
one last thought before I go,
"Before you spit out those words,
brush your teeth and
always remember to floss."
Last edited by Mutmoo at Jun 17, 2010,
#2
Very hard to critique music/ songwriting. If you like it it's good. personally i like it. Others may not, but they don't matter now do they? (Unless you're a band that is selling out and pleasing the general public)
Gear:
American Strat (Modded with Kinman Pickups and more )
PRS Paul Allender (Don't like Cradle of Filth though )
Line 6 Spider Valve 212 (Broken )
Blackstar HT-5 Combo Amp


DR.ZOIDBERG!!!!! (Very inspirational)
#3
this is really lovely. first four lines are killer.
it feels like a small part of a far bigger story.
if im going to be nitpicky, i thought the phone/brother metaphor seemed a bit clumsy, and i didnt quite get the safety in numbers line, but overall i enjoyed this.

nice one.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#4
This is a succesful poem. It works. I'm passing comment rather than advice therefore.

You have a way with words: "girls trying to be women trying to be girls," That was insightful and very good, not "yo man nice poem, gimme a crit" S&L good -- but actually good. You seem to continue in this vein, your poem marinates in it's own verbal wit. So, despite being a good poem it might veer dangerous close poetry that trys to impress with "tasty" language, whether than by conveying meaning and substance. This may be the cause of your rather questionable "brother phone" metaphor.

This may be just my rambling.


https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1327084
C4C
#5
I like this.

I really like this.

"smudged lipstick from girls trying to
be women trying to be girls," Brilliant.

Keep it up.
#6
yeah, the first four lines are brilliant. the rest is a poem i've written many times before (and i'm sure many others have as well). it's a loneliness that borders on cliche and is difficult to handle; if you could apply the cleverness of those first four lines to the whole concept we might be in business, but it's hard to do. as a whole this is admirable on some levels but feels sadly uninspired.