denizenz
A man among gods.
Join date: Aug 2006
620 IQ
#1
The way you linger,
like a vapor, on my skin
it makes me sick.
And, as I breath you in,
the sin of it abhors me
and leaves my
moral sensibilities
undone.
Am I the only one
of us
still feeling all alone
because
I don’t think I can take more solitude.
I can’t fake this squalid love for you -
who’d let your veins
for moments in the sun.
And even as it set
once and for all,
while playwrights screamed
for curtain call,
I’m certain
that you’d fail to glean
the meaning from it all.

Still I need to feel
that burning in my lungs -
it keeps me young.
I know I'll miss this
once it's gone.
I've learned to suffer
from
your culture of
pretentiousness.
Though trite,
the lesson always was that
ignorance is bliss.
Last edited by denizenz at Jun 28, 2010,
canvasDude
Registered User
Join date: Jun 2009
427 IQ
#2
Quote by denizenz
The way you linger,
like a vapor, on my skin
it makes me sick.
And, as I breath you in,
the sin of it abhors me
and leaves my
moral sensibilities
undone.
Am I the only one
of us
still feeling all alone
because
I don’t think I can take more solitude.
Can’t fake this squalid love for you -
who’d let your veins
for moments in the sun. I was unsure about this and the above line. Is it you who'd let her veins, or are you saying she'd do anything for a bit of sunshine (which is obviously a metaphor, or at least that's the feeling I'm getting)?
And even as it set
once and for all,
while playwrights screamed
for curtain call,
I’m certain
that you’d fail to glean
the meaning from it all.

Still I need to feel
that burning in my lungs. I like you you reference the very first line here. Makes the piece feel like it's come full circle.
I’ve learned to suffer from
your culture of
pretentiousness,
and the lesson is that
ignorance is bliss. I feel like this last stanza really strengthens the piece (as far as meaning) but feels lack-luster compared to the beautifully crafted bits above.


The five words I highlighted in red are to commend you on your craftiness with the way you rhymed them, and used line breaks to emphasize the similarity of otherwise unrelated words. Very nice, and a very enjoyable read.
DigUpHerBones
I don't like The Misfits.
Join date: Aug 2006
2,526 IQ
#3
The line that starts with 'can't' might perhaps be stronger if it started with an 'I'. It feels a bit like a pop punk song otherwise. And the last line could be said much better. I like this. Especially the start and the burning lungs.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
philmalone666
HeWhoEatsTheMostDimes
Join date: Dec 2008
267 IQ
#4
I rather enjoyed this, although I have to be honest, there's parts of this I don't quite get the meaning of/don't understand the context you use them in:
"who'd let.....moments in the sun" and "I've learned to suffer.....pretentiousness" for example, but that's probably because I'm just not the brightest guy out there :P
Over-all though, it's very good.
Sexy Librarian
Registered User
Join date: Mar 2009
43 IQ
#5
Does the word "let" in "Who'd let your veins for moments in the sun" refer to bloodletting? Does she mutilate herself? If so (which it's prolaby not) then why do so to be in the sun? Good read btw. Very commendable. I just don't understand the part mentioned above
denizenz
A man among gods.
Join date: Aug 2006
620 IQ
#6
You're correct that to let ones veins is to bleed them. The moments in the sun was meant to refer to fame, which explains, or is explained by, the line, "culture of pretentiousness".

Thanks for the feedback everyone!
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
Join date: Jun 2004
400 IQ
#7
Opinion mirrors that of Miss Dig.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

denizenz
A man among gods.
Join date: Aug 2006
620 IQ
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones
The line that starts with 'can't' might perhaps be stronger if it started with an 'I'. It feels a bit like a pop punk song otherwise. And the last line could be said much better. I like this. Especially the start and the burning lungs.

I've added the 'I' in addition to some content to the end of the piece. I feel it flows much better now.

Thanks again to everyone for their comments on this.