#1
It was the littlest looming leaf, hanging overhead on brute branches sticklebacked thickly in a fierce summer foliage.
It fell first.
The darkest leaf - a moroccan maroon and mages mauve, with angular edges and a sharp nose - seemed to take off
and dart at my eye - watching the world from underneath my iris, arched backwards over my neck to see the sky from the trees -
then dodge around me - kamikazeeing towards the ground as it crash landed against the patio runway, and slid in to the bark of the tree,
back to base.
It was loudest of all the leaves I saw fall that day.
Once We Were Anarchists
Last edited by Danny7 at Jun 19, 2010,
#2
The entire thing needs to be simplified. The breaks make it really choppy to read and say aloud, and the meaning is unclear.
#3
i really liked it, which says something given i don't like much. It has a very simple meaning to it and the imagery is pleasant. i like the aliterations and the creative adjectives don't hurt either. It's not profound or particularly unique but it does what it intends and i can appreciate that in a forum where too many pieces seem to want to do too much all at once. Well done sir.
#4
Quote by Danny7
It was the littlest looming leaf, hanging overhead on brute branches sticklebacked thickly in a fierce summer foliage.
It fell first.
The darkest leaf - a moroccan maroon and mages mauve, with angular edges and a sharp nose - seemed to take off
and dart at my eye - watching the world from underneath my iris, arched backwards over my neck to see the sky from the trees -
then dodge around me - kamikazeeing towards the ground as it crash landed against the patio runway, and slid in to the bark of the tree,
back to base.
It was loudest of all the leaves I saw fall that day.


I like the idea. Exection-wise, there are good things and bad things I think. It's been overcomplicated a bit. Oversimplifying it would be just as bad so if you edit be careful. Stuff like 'a morocan maroon and mages mauve' just doesn't make sense and it isn't delicate enough to make it feel like it was better because of not making sense as a phrase. I get all the right images from it but it isn't good to read. Punctuation could improve it, like in the first line before 'sticklebacked'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!