#1
red paper lanterns, bamboo of made.
so high up clumsily drifting were they,
into sky the night deep black.
twinkling, piercing ether the veil
(sidewalk in illuminating every the crack).

neon from to street-lamps
washed did red and orange glows,
erasing daylight footsteps
by were made which weary bones.

and streets were city the empty,
standing as was i there;
not single even a soul,
there present was to care.
Last edited by canvasDude at Jun 20, 2010,
#2
It sounds like you're trying to force rhymes with Yoda talk. Just let the piece come. Don't force thoughts down and expect it to be perfect
#3
Quote by Sexy Librarian
It sounds like you're trying to force rhymes with Yoda talk. Just let the piece come. Don't force thoughts down and expect it to be perfect


I can see how it may seem forced, but the rhymes were actually an afterthought. It was merely an aberration, though I realize some may like it and others won't. Anyhow, thanks for the crit, and if you have a piece that you'd like crit on just leave a link and I'll get to it.
#7
I'm a fan of awkward speech and pushing the linguistic envelope, but this piece would have given Cummings a head ache I see that all of the words necessary to form a grammatically proper sentences are present, they've merely been reordered. It's an interesting concept, but the piece is much more beautiful when read with the words in their "proper" order.

Here's the one I'm looking for comments on.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1327394
#8
^^ Ah, I am a fan of Cummings as well (as you probably guessed). I see what you mean, it was my first try at this style though; to be fair. Anyhow, thanks for the crit. I'm looking at yours as I write this.
#9
Well I didn't think the rhyming was forced at all.
Overall I liked it, I don't know it seems unusual but in a good way. Not like what I usually stumble across on UG, so yeah I liked it a lot.
#10
It being so ungrammatical makes it hard to read, regardless of the rhymes, which I think would be fine if you made it more grammatical and it had more decoration. It feels like you're trying to be kind of subtle and pretty but it being ungrammatical makes it jolting, and there's no assonance or anything to compensate for that feeling. You've put the image of the lanterns and the context in my head, which I like a lot, the text is just lagging a bit behind the image it's created in my head so it feels like I don't see the full picture.
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