#1
ots

it was one fifty something a.m and God only knows where the sky was
when I gave you, what I thought was a cinematic romantic speech, no?
told you 'I am going to go to bed, and when I do I'm only going to think
of you, and no other thoughts. For the whole thirty minutes or so
it takes me to finally fall asleep only you, not another thought at all
so then you will be the last thing on my mind. I bet I can do it.'
but when my head collided with the pillow
I didn't want to think about you at all
maybe I just wanted you to think about me thinking about you
but truth be told, I tried to think about anything else but you.

And I have no idea why?
Last edited by Dylan_ at Jun 21, 2010,
#2
Well for starters, in the title it should be woman and not women; but obviously that's a simple typo.

Quote by Dylan_
ots

it was one fifty something a.m and God only knows where the sky was
when I told you, what I thought was a cinematic romantic speech, no? You might want to try "when I gave you what I thought was a..."
told you 'I am going to go to bed, and when I do I'm only going to think
of you, and no other thoughts. For the whole thirty minutes or so
it takes me to finally fall asleep only you, not another thought at all
so then you will be the last thing on my mind. I bet I can do it.'
but when my head collided with the pillow
I didn't want to think about you at all
maybe I just wanted you to think about me thinking about you
but truth be told, I tried to think about anything else but you.

And I have no idea why? I personally think this last line could do without a question mark, but that's just me.



To be honest, there wasn't much to complain about. Aside from a few typographical errors and an instance of clumsy word choice, it really came together quite nicely. I like how it was simple, yet done in a way so as to keep it interesting. I really do enjoy these pieces you post; they're very elegant.

C4C? If it's not any trouble, there's a piece in my sig...
#4
I could be repeating things, I haven't read the other post.

Quote by Dylan_
ots

it was one fifty something a.m and God only knows where the sky was
I like this opening
when I gave you, what I thought was a cinematic romantic speech, no?
no no no question mark plz, and I wish that sometimes even using the tone and style of the first line, the writer wouldn't abandon all other poetic techniques
told you 'I am going to go to bed, and when I do I'm only going to think
of you, and no other thoughts. For the whole thirty minutes or so
it takes me to finally fall asleep only you, not another thought at all
so then you will be the last thing on my mind. I bet I can do it.'
in this section particuarly it feels like you've written out a bit sentence and put line breaks in it. This could just as well be a big block of text and I don't think I'd get anything more or less from it, other than perhaps the effect of the first line, which of course needs to be backed up by the rest of the poem to be worth much
but when my head collided with the pillow
I didn't want to think about you at all
maybe I just wanted you to think about me thinking about you
if you're thinking a lot and you're obviously thinking about what you were thinking about and why, then you wouldn't need to say 'maybe', you should be sure whether or not you were thinking about that because you've had lots of time to think about it
but truth be told, I tried to think about anything else but you.

And I have no idea why?
no no no question mark again, and I didn't like this ending, this piece started very strongly and then fell apart a bit. It was just completely unfulfilling. The idea doesn't feel like it's been fully formed
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!