#1
Almost every night
I wish my eyes shined bright

you said they do, and i hope it's true
I just want to be the light
for some struggling soul, in a dark tunnel
because music can save lives

I know my words are sound
I hope my voice is loud

a lack of stupidity, may be the death of me
when ignorance is gaining ground
the name hussein, doesnt mean a thing
but it's the talk of the town
the church and state need to separate
could a muslim wear your crown?

I wont pledge my allegiance
to a nation under god
if you just cant believe this
dont listen to this song

this song is for the people
who have questioned life from birth
this songs not for the steeple
or for those who base one's worth

off the size of their castle
they make life a hassle

when ignorance is bred
til the day your dead

it's not cool to use your head
has enough been ****ing said?


I just retyped my first draft exactly as is. I kind of just ranted while rhyming. But it's meant to be steadily increasing in intensity.
Last edited by ok, i'm ready at Jun 21, 2010,
#2
I think there are some pretty good ideas in this, and I like a couple of the longer verses/stanzas.

I'm not too keen on the shorter bits though and I think you use rhyming couplets a bit too often, which makes it sound a bit juvenille.

Overall its not too bad though. Keep it up.
Last one on drugs is a queer.
#4
surprisingly good.
i think you should,
take another pass at it,
and see if you can't flesh it out some more.
i am the lamb.
point me to the slaughter.