#1
from any altitude higher than a tree
the spot where we buried our childhoods
can be seen clearly
as in a mirror.
we are pushing up
the words
as in big promises
that can't be broken or undone and we have done both already.
we are faultless at the spill.

it's not me that tapped on your window
and it's not you that lifted the window
to melt amongst the shadows.
we put the sun in a jar and call it t.v
we burn our retinas and call it learning.
i've not saved the best for last.
i'm settled on my weakest front.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jun 23, 2010,
#2
the lines with the tv's and the sun and the eyes is pretty ****ing awesome. the rest is also interesting but i really like that idea
#3
Great stuff, as always. You're one of my favorite writers here. As stated by the guy above me, the lines "we put the sun in a jar and call it t.v/we burn our retinas and call it learning." are brilliant.

I'm not a fan of "we are reflecting ourselves/in oil". It seems too straightforward, too blunt, and somewhat awkward. I would suggest seeing if you can find a way to reword it.

That's the only thing that I think needs work, though. Overall, I loved this one. Keep it up.
kill all humans
#4
Thanks guys. I've been off the forum for a few weeks, so if I missed a piece you want a crit on, send a link. I'm still keeping an eye out though.
#5
"and it's not you that lifted the window
to melt amongst the shadows."

Eh, don't like it and not sure why.

Rest was brilliant.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#6
in my opinion, i thought the "higher than a tree" was a little too simple. i think maybe a stronger, more unique comparison would serve better here. it sticks out when compared to the sun-in-a-jar=TV metaphor since that one is so abstract and original.

other than that, i really loved this. i felt it was very disciplined but held a lot of emotion at the same time.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
This was very quality. I personally liked the first stanza better than the second. The parts about the big promises is very well written. I just really like this the way it is. I agree with Culex-knight though. I feel like that part could be a little better written, but I'm not exactly sure how. Thank you for the crit!
#10
^ Bob Dole and George Bush meet with Napoleon Dynamite and Russel Brand... after a week long snowball fight to the death, the winners strap magnets to the face of the losers and throw them at a metallic sphere. The sphere has the names of all pieces from S&L for the week, and wherever the losers hit, they calculate the exact mid point between the two on the surface of the sphere... and where that midpoint lies corresponds to the name of a piece (think countries on a globe, each piece gets surface area on the sphere) and that piece is selected.

It's quite a difficult process.


This was very well-deserved. I enjoyed this immensely, especially after you finally hit a rhythm towards the end and the images started flowing like box-wine near trailer parks.
#11
Congrats sir, very well written piece.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching