#1
A nice set of lyrics portraying my home town of Victorville. If any of you know where that is.......you have my deepest apologies.

There’s nothing but nothing
Around this dead world.
The oasis from hell has made
The murderous plot unfurl.
In the distance I hear
The sound of thunder
Launching the blessing and
Tear you asunder.

The lie is apparent.
The truth is unknown.
Your will is the failure
Of all that was born.
Stay the course and see
I have the last laugh.
You wasted my time
Until time’s all I have.

Dust fills my mind while
The sun blinds my eyes,
The sweat on my brow
So hot that it’s ice.
The victim lies still
While the suspect runs free.
Alone in the ghost town
You’ll never kill me.

Every head turns to see
The one that won’t fit in,
The crosshairs focused on
A heart done wrong again.
Backed into the ditch
With no hope of salvation,
This smart little bitch
Ignores reservation.

Invitation rejected
Surpassed like no other.
The threat of my life
Leaves you running for cover.
Stay the course and see
I have the last laugh.
You wasted my time
Until time’s all I have.

Dust fills my mind while
The sun blinds my eyes,
The sweat on my brow
So hot that it’s ice.
The victim lies still
While the suspect runs free.
Alone in the ghost town
You’ll never kill me.

The one place in my world
That holds some refuge
Sits condemned and destroyed
With my hopes to refuse.
Alas, all the people
Come out with their dread
To say “You won’t leave
Until you are dead.”

Stay the course.
No one laughs.
You wasted my time
Until time’s all I have.

Dust fills my mind while
The sun blinds my eyes,
The sweat on my brow
So hot that it’s ice.
The victim lies still
While the suspect runs free.
Alone in the ghost town
You’ll never kill me.
Some people just wanna watch the world burn. Wanna join me when I take my turn to pour the gas, light the match, see your world flip upside down and drop until it's inside out?
#3
Instead of breaking down what I liked, I'll just point out the couple things that I think could be changed.

The lie is apparent.
The truth is unknown.
Your will is the failure
Of all that was born.
Stay the course and see
I have the last laugh.
You wasted my time
Until time’s all I have.


I like the first four lines of this. However, the way the last two lines are together don't seem to really make much sense [?] to me as written. Although writing 'But time's all I have' doesn't sound as good as 'Until time's all I have'...

Dust fills my mind while
The sun blinds my eyes,
The sweat on my brow
So hot that it’s ice.
The victim lies still
While the suspect runs free.
Alone in the ghost town
You’ll never kill me.


I like this overall. But instead of 'So hot that it's ice' how about changing how to burning.

Well in the end, there actually isn't much I don't like. Overall good stuff and great read!
Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

C4C - Songwriting and Lyrics

- Hung Up on You -
- Apathy Unending -
Last edited by FueLsTp at Jun 23, 2010,
#4
These are nice lyrics. It was the title that drew me in and while reading the first verse I wasn't sure it'd be my kinda thing, but I came around pretty quick. Like the other 2 crits, I do like the piece overall, and since my only criticisms are small, I'll just bullet them out.

- Putting aside that the darker lyrics aren't really my thing, the first verse is made up mostly of rhymes that, while not especially bad, may put off those who are sticklers for that kind of thing.
- Also the feel in that verse is different from the verses that follow (as I said, darker) and the transition in feel is a little abrupt. Keeping in mind that you wrote the piece to reflect discontent with your town, the first two lines are definitely in keeping with your theme, but maybe rework the few lines after that (which could also help with the rhyming)
- Adding "Is" before "So hot that it's ice" would add an extra syllable to make that line feel more in balance with the rest of the verse (this is a very minor crit, obviously)
- The first 4 lines of the 4th verse (ending with "heart done wrong again") have a feel that's different from the other verses and the 4 lines after them, it might be a syllable thing, I'm not positive. While not a big issue, a little rewording might benefit here

Again, very nice lyrics, and my condolences for your chagrin towards the town you live in. Don't let it keep you down
#5
Thanks a lot for your critiques. I probably should have said this when I posted, but this song was thrown together rather quickly as something of a joke, so I really didn't pay too much attention to the general flow or anything.
Some people just wanna watch the world burn. Wanna join me when I take my turn to pour the gas, light the match, see your world flip upside down and drop until it's inside out?