#1
Hey Guys, Second Thing I Have ever Written, So Criticism Pleeeease

I Don't Have A Chorus Yet, As I Couldn't Think Of A Good One, Soo Any Suggestions???

Stood back to see the dominance reign above
With their shackles and whips upon us
And their razor tongues telling us
Just the things they want us to know.
**
So now they'll lead and compromise
All their promises, which stand as lies
**
(Chorus))
**
And in their hands, they'll guide us wrong
sending us to the fire, and they'll sing their song.
All there corruption and promises of peace
Get torn apart at their judgement seat.
**
They'll send their spies
To bring us to our demise
**
((Chorus))
**
We'll revolt and tear this world apart
Their iron fist will fall to the ground
We'll break apart and then run free
Away from all his misery.
**
((Chorus))


Thanks Guys! C4C
Last edited by JoelHxC92 at Jun 24, 2010,
#2
all of the "theres" in it should be "their"
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#3
Quote by DKMfreak410
all of the "theres" in it should be "their"


Hahah That Shows My Level Of Grammar! ..

Thanks
#4
I love songs about corrupt governments and the first verse was really striking in this song, it really drew me in because its so brutal and straight to the chase, the verse prechorus should just be promises and lies because "stand as" doesnt feel right when i read it out loud, the second verse is pretty powerful,however don't feel inclined to have to rhyme with every other line (damnit i just did it) because it can draw meaning away from the song.

maybe change judgment seat to throne as it adds royal meaning and seat is a bit of a boring word to have in a song like this, in the second verse change the "there" to "the", and as for a chorus i thought of a couple, dont know if they are useful though:

"Think for yourself, question this nightmare
you dont have to follow their ruse
when you have your own free will
time to put it to use"

or

"can't lay down and take this
tied down by the iron fist
they've mislead us for the last time
time to stand up and fight back"

theyre not great but just some ideas, keep up the work i freaking hate the government (in a non cliched way)
#5
This has some interesting potential and your images are pretty cool. Some ideas that might help this out is looking at where the power positions are in your song.

Usually the first line and the last line in a verse hold the most weight, and really sell the idea you are trying to say..so by rearranging a few ideas you can get a stronger song here

For example in your first verse..you start off with a story telling line...rather then right away introduce the idea of the people involved..again you'll have to tweak the words to make it fit..but here is what I mean

Their shackles and whips upon us
Stood back to see the dominance reign above
And their razor tongues telling us
Just the things they want us to know
Last edited by jabbertooth at Jun 28, 2010,