#1
This is only the second song I've ever completely finished the lyrics for, but if it sucks please don't hesitate to tell me, though be specific as to what about it sucks so I can suck less next time. Don't have a name for the song yet, but I was thinking "These Hot Summer Nights" or something along those lines. Also, it's supposed to be a folky song, played acoustically with a capo on the 6th fret, and in the key of G Major (relative to the capo), if that helps anyone get an idea of how it's supposed to sound.


Would you believe me if I told you that
There wasn't a single word I said
For which I have ever fought or bled
But that don't mean I'm ever coming back

Cus how am I to spend these hot summer nights
Dancing under hazy city lights
Watching the whole world from these new found heights
I don't think I'm ever coming back

(Instrumental Bridge)

Now I've been carried to somewhere far away
Where no one cares to know your name or face
With nothing left but that drunken grace
Wonder if I'll make it home once again

But something tells me that this ain't the end
Downward spirals and the latest trend
Waking from your dreams with a faint "amen"
Then diving right back into them once again

(2nd Instrumental Bridge)

Outro:
The grass here is cold though at least it's dry
But this ain't where I've come to die
I may go soon but don't you cry
I'll be returning back home once again

(Instrumental Outro)
"Love everything. Know nothing."

"What do you mean 'do you even know how to play bongo drums?'?! Do I not have hands?! And pot?!"
#2
There is some nice imagery in here but the Lyric needs some structure.

The patterning in the first verse doesn't match the second verse, Plus I think you need to decide what the overall message is for each verse and hit the listener over the head right away with it..

I think deciding on a Hook and a Chorus will help decide your verse structure and figure out what lines will stay or need tweaking.

Plus you can get rid of a bunch of "filler words" for example

Something tells me this ain't the end
Downward spirals and latest trends
Walking from dreams with faint "amens"
Then diving right back into them again

Just some ideas
Last edited by jabbertooth at Jun 28, 2010,
#3
Hmm, my suspicion that my first song was better than this one has been confirmed lol. Ah well, they can't all be winners. I was trying to have the rhyme scheme for the whole song be AAAB, but I realized a couple of the verses were in AAAA >.>. And as for the "filler words", those were put there so the lines had the same general amount of syllables so that it would sound right when sung, but I'll give your version a try.
"Love everything. Know nothing."

"What do you mean 'do you even know how to play bongo drums?'?! Do I not have hands?! And pot?!"
#4
Well it all depends on your writing method.

I generally start off writing lyrics then music but that is my preference so I try to minimize the amount of filler words to try and make a lyric flow. Then as things always land up needing tweaking once music is added it becomes easy to add in the little stuff that might be missing it's rhythmic slot, like..that..of..the..etc
#5
Just like to point out that although the lyrics give nice imagery, there's nothing much that stands out about this song. Personally i felt "Something tells me this ain't the end/Downward spirals and latest trends/Walking from dreams with faint "amens"/Then diving right back into them again" stood out the most, but like jabbertooth said it needs tweaking.

Good job on finishing a song though, most people give up halfway, or come up with crap just to finish :P
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Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows