#1
Keep your head up son,
Don't watch your feet.
Face the end like a man.
Face the end!

Don't turn your back,
Don't turn your head,
Don't look away,
Don't even f***ing blink!
If you don't see it coming you'll just die surprised!

So stand your watch.
Stand your ground.
Don't try to flee;
There's no escape.
Embrace your fate!
If you try to run then you'll just die tired!

So kick back and rest.
Take a seat;
Take a seat and watch;
Take a seat, and hold on tight.
Keep your hands inside the ride.
Keep your hands by your side or you'll just die in pieces!

So stay inside!
Don't step out of line,
Don't step out of place,
Don't lose the pace.
Don't leave your rank or you'll just die alone!

So leave it alone,
Don't bother trying.
You can't succeed.
No one succeeds.
So just stop trying!
If you try you'll just die a failure!

So don't try to pretend,
Don't imagine what you can,
Don't think, don't believe,
Don't daydream.
Don't wish for the best, or you'll just die wishig you were still alive!

Don't try, don't think,
Don't move, don't blink.
Keep your head up son,
Don't watch your feet.
Face the end like a man.
Face the end!

Don't call her dear;
don't hold her close.
Don't love, don't care for her,
don't give a damn at all!
Because if you love she'll just die with you!

She will die, he will die, everyone dies.
No one is spared,
So stare death in the eye
- But hold back the spit.
Do not defy, do not rebel.
Don't martyr your soul or you'll just die worthless!

Wothless to yourself, your cause,
Your immortal god,
To everything you bow your head to.
So don't bow down!
Keep your head up son,
Don't watch your feet.
Face the end like a man.
Face the end!

Don't ****ing cry or you'll die ashamed.
Don't fight the war or you'll die in vain.
Don't hold on to your vanity,
We all look the same when we're dead in the ground

Don't back away or you'll die in fear.
Don't scream out loud because death can't hear.
Don't hold on to your pride,
No one is proud when they're dead in the ground

Don't love, don't cry,
Don't fight, do not defy!
Keep your head up son,
Don't wach your feet.
Face the end like a man.
Face the end!

Face the end!
Last edited by philmalone666 at Aug 26, 2010,
#2
You have some fantastic ideas, and the concept for this piece is brilliant. I just feel that your writing could could employ a bit more literary technique. Even great ideas need to be polished for presentation. It reads really choppy, so introducing some punctuation may be helpful in addition to paying more attention to rhythm. Also, you may want to explore different rhyming techniques. Consonance and assonance add a great deal to the flow of a piece without all of the limits of full rhyme.
#3
Quote by denizenz
You have some fantastic ideas, and the concept for this piece is brilliant. I just feel that your writing could could employ a bit more literary technique. Even great ideas need to be polished for presentation. It reads really choppy, so introducing some punctuation may be helpful in addition to paying more attention to rhythm. Also, you may want to explore different rhyming techniques. Consonance and assonance add a great deal to the flow of a piece without all of the limits of full rhyme.

Thanks for the input. I'll add some punctuation and stuff, but It's supposed to read and play very choppy. That's part of the effect I aimed for when writing it, a very brutal, unnatural, "crunchy" sound to convey the severity of the message.