#1
New piece of prose....C4C.


I told him I was okay. I lay there, right next to him, looked him in the eyes, and told him I was okay.

It was a lie of course. And to be honest, I had never been so scared of looking someone in the eyes. Those little portals into the depths of one's soul. You could almost mistake them for simply seeing from the inside out, but if you looked just a little closer, you would notice that you could see in, too.

That's what I was afraid of. I was afraid of him finally being able to see in. It wasn't necessarily being caught in the lie that worried me; but rather him seeing just how hollow I really was.

I was worried that when he saw inside me, he would see something blacker than the sky when it hides from the sun. And most importantly, I was worried that he would realize I hadn't always been that way.

I had purpose. I had a calling. And I don't mean in the, “I think I might really want to do this,” way. I mean the, “If I don't do this right now, I might rip myself apart from the inside out,” way.

And at first, it was good. It gave me something to strive for; something to wake up to each morning. But eventually I realized I had no game plan. I looked at everyone, everything, that surrounded me, and I thought, “I've gotta be anything but this. I've gotta be someone or do something that will stand out. Something that will start a revolution.”

But that “something” always stayed a something. I felt productive, but that thirst was never quenched. That hunger never satisfied.

So instead of admitting failure, I pretended I found the answer, and I pretended it was you.

And now every morning, instead of waking up with hope that today will be my day to change the world, I wake up with your head next to mine, and the sour words of, “Are you doing okay?”
Last edited by Cyclones41 at Jun 29, 2010,
#2
This is not a song! It is a short story! It's a very good short story too.

This has no song structure what so ever. Work with it, refine it. You have the makings for a very good song here.

Good lick,
jodyW
#3
Quote by jodyWayne
This is not a song! It is a short story! It's a very good short story too.

This has no song structure what so ever. Work with it, refine it. You have the makings for a very good song here.

Good lick,
jodyW


this forum is mostly for poetry and prose nowadays, not songwriting. the most active members in here pretty much exclusively post poems.

also lol @ "good lick"

as for the piece, it's good stuff. personally i'd have shortened the "i've got to be different" paragraph because it seems like you're stating an identical idea over and over with different sentence structures and I don't like to repeat myself in succession like that when I write prose, but that's just my personal taste.

i admire the bluntness of it, and that you don't meander around the point with too much flowery language.
#4
+1 to mis appropriately titled forum...

anyway,

The piece itself, while not complicated or flowery, is extremely true to the heart. I have a feeling you typed all this in one shot without looking at exactly what you typed, que?

Especially liked 'that "something" always stayed a something.' as a line.

Just one little gripe though, it reads a bit like a blog post (mainly due to the length)...
Yamaha ERG 121
Yamaha F370TBS
Yamaha GA-10

NOOB KIT FTW

-------------------------

Lyrical Insanity:

Chasing Shadows
#5
It feels as though there are two parts, that don't necessarily go well together (the lies and the thing). I think they could transition more smoothly.